Red moon rising
by Katharen Silver
Summary: They tell me it isn't my fault but I don't believe them. It is my fault. All of this is my fault. Red John has her because he knows he can use her to get to me, just like he used my family. It is my fault.
1. Prologue: Through the looking glass

A/N: This is my first mentalist fanfic…and my second ever multi chapter fanfic, so please let me know what you think. I appreciate all reviews and advice on how to make my stories better. It's dedicated to Jibson-Fan as a present for her birthday.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Mentalist, or its characters, I am simply borrowing them for my own devices and have every intention of returning them when I'm done.

* * *

Lisbon hesitates at the door for a moment before turning to Jane her eyes carefully guarded.

"Jane, you and Bosco, at the hospital what did he say?" She asks quietly her voice betraying her eyes.

Even through the mask that she has so carefully constructed he can see how broken she is. Her eyes glittering from the tears she hasn't let herself shed yet. He wishes he could take the hopelessness form her eyes, but he can't, all he can do for her is try to save her from any more pain.

She walks over and sits on the chair beside him, her eyes never leaving his. Beautiful green eyes glittering, begging for answers he can't give her.

"Well he ah told me to look after you." Jane says softly his voice catching on the lie even though he knows it's the best thing for her.

"That's all?" Lisbon says softly sounding disappointed.

"Yep, he told me if I didn't look after you he'd come back and haunt me, total nonsense of course but it wasn't the right time to correct him."

She laughs but it's a sad soft sound, and he whishes he could wash it away. For a second he considers brushing his hand along her cheek, but thinks better of it instead Jane produces a bottle of tequila and see's the tears in her eyes brim over.

"Tequila" her voice breaks but she tries to push it aside and continues, "Bosco's favorite."

Lisbon takes the bottle from his hands with shaking fingers. Jane watches as she runs her fingers lightly over the label on the bottle.

He thought he could read her, not always, she had a way of keeping him out when she wasn't trying to, but other times he could see right through her. Somehow he hadn't seen this.

"You loved him," Jane whispers softly. It's not a question; not really, he already knows the answer, he can see it in her eyes.

Lisbon's fingers freeze on the bottle, and her eyes shoot up to meet his.

Jane stare's back, bright blue meeting dazzling green and for a moment he thinks she is going to tell him, and for a moment she almost does, but she can't say it. Least of all to Jane so Lisbon stands silently and walks out of her office without looking back, and Jane lets her go, because he knows that nothing he can say now will take the haunting shadow from her brilliant green eyes.

* * *

Everyone on the team takes a shot of tequila. Jane doesn't drink normally, but for this he makes an exception. One shot, well half a shot really as he doesn't finish it. He does it for Bosco, for the other agents, and for Lisbon.

He watches her as the rest of the team take another drink, and wonders if anyone but him noticed that Lisbon is on her third shot.

Ten minuets and three shots later, he can see that he's no longer the only one watching her carefully.

When she fills her shot glass for the seventh time Jane reaches to take the bottle from her, but Rigsby is faster. The two men share a silent glance of understanding, before glancing at the other two members of the team. Both Cho and Van Pelt nod in agreement and Rigsby places the almost empty bottle in the closest desk draw.

Van Pelt touches Lisbon's arm gently. "Lisbon, how about I take you home."

Lisbon doesn't even look at Grace before shaking her hand free. "No, all of you go home, and go to bed."

The chorus of objections is instantaneous but Lisbon simply waves a hand and shakes her head to silence them.

"It's an order."

They all watch as Lisbon stands and makes her way to her office closing the door with a snap.

As soon as the door is closed, Van Pelt speaks. "She shouldn't be alone; one of us should stay with her."

"She shouldn't drive anywhere," Rigsby say's still watching Lisbon's door.

Cho glances at Jane then back at Lisbon's office.

"You all go," Jane says his eyes on Lisbon's closed door. "I won't let her drive."

The others hesitate but Jane insists, and finally they agree.

Jane settles himself on his couch facing Lisbon's office. He'll give her an hour, and then he'll take her home, he decides as he closes his eyes.

* * *

Less than half an hour after he laid down Jane hears her door open and close loudly.

"Where are you going Lisbon?" He asks without opening his eyes.

"Home," she says her voice slurring.

"You can't drive home, Lisbon, your drunk."

"A few shots," she says laughing.

"A few shots might have been the seven you had with us, but that's not counting how much you've had in your office." Jane says sarcastically as he sits up to look at her.

"I'm fine." She says coolly.

"You're drunk, let me take you home."

Lisbon laughs, but it sounds hopeless. "No."

"You're not driving," Jane says standing and moving toward her.

"Fine," Lisbon growls throwing her keys at him, "I'll walk."

He catches the keys and looks up to see her heading toward the elevator. Jane catches up to her quickly and she seems surprised to see him.

"You can't go home without your house keys," Jane says before Lisbon can speak holding up the keys for her to see.

Lisbon stares at the keys for several seconds before she realizes that he's right.

"I'm drunk," Lisbon says in disbelief as she steps out of the elevator and starts toward the parking lot.

Jane gives her a soft smile, "let me take you home."

"I'll call a cab."

"I can drive you."

"It's fine."

"Teresa stop!" Jane says grabbing her arm.

Surprised she turns to face him, the grief and shock thrust upon her in the last few hours flashes in her eyes before she veil's it behind her all too familiar wall of control.

"I'm fine Jane," she says pulling her arm away form him sounding sober for the first time that night.

Jane watches as she walks into the dimly lit parking lot, he doesn't know where she's going, but knows she shouldn't go alone. So even though she will want to kill him for it Jane follows Lisbon out into the darkness hoping he can catch her before she disappears into the wind.


	2. Dancing with midnight shadows

Chapter two: Dancing with midnight shadows (Jane's pov)

* * *

A/N: The fist chapter I posted is more like the prolog of my story making this one chapter one...This chapter is in Jane's pov and the next will be in Lisbons, and so on. I try to make sure I stay in character so let me know if you think anything is off.

Thank you, Fallen Angels of Love, yaba, cureless, ThranduilsDaughter, and Ebony10 for their sweet reviews they are always appreciated =). So without further adue the next chapter …enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Mentalist, because if I did, we would know how Jane and Lisbon really met!

* * *

It doesn't take me long to find her. Lisbon's wondering aimlessly through the empty parking lot. Though perhaps stumbling would be a more appropriate choice of words.

I smile at the half frown she would give me before rolling her eyes and walking away if she could hear me. Sometimes I wonder if she does it simply to see my reaction, she would call it arrogant, but I know it would make her smile and its closer to the truth than she would ever admit.

I'm chuckling at our would be conversation when Lisbon suddenly sinks to the ground.

My heart slams against my chest and I close the distance between us in seconds. I didn't think she was drunk enough to pass out, but I had been proven wrong before. Yet when I reach her I almost wish she had simply passed out.

Lisbon sits on the cold damp concrete starring out into the darkness of the parking lot with the kind of blank expression I've only ever seen on the face of victims when they are in shock.

The area is dimly lit from office lights and street lights, designed to make finding your car somehow easier, and the dim glow it casts on her is disturbing.

I kneel down beside her and brush a few stray brown curls out of her face, my hand grazing her cheek lightly. Lisbon looks up at me but her eyes are far away and lost. The knot in my chest tightens her stare is blank and empty. I touch her cheek again lightly and she flinches away like she has been burned.

I lean away from her giving her the space she needs despite wanting to lean in closer to comfort her, as I softly say, "Lisbon, its time to go home."

She stares back at me blinking wordlessly, I'm not even sure that she can understand what I'm saying, but I know that if I simply try to pick her up she will react badly. Even a sober Lisbon wouldn't appreciate it, but this skittish version of her would be much worse. Sober she would be angry and embarrassed, but I can't help but think that this version of her would simply break.

I have never thought of her as fragile before, but I suppose she has never let me. Funny that she always says I am the one who never relaxes my guard, when she is almost as bad as me.

"Come here Lisbon, I'm taking you home," She flinches when I touch her arm, and for a second I hesitate, but it's cold and late, and I know that the rain is sure to pick up again soon so I continue carefully. "Its ok Teresa, it's ok. We are going home."

Something in her eyes shifts as if recognizing me suddenly, and slowly she nods. She allows me to help her up, but I'm careful to touch her only lightly.

Her eyes meet mine and a chill passes through me that has nothing to do with the wind. In her eyes I can see a fearful expectance. I can't help but wonder if it is one of the many things she is somehow able to keep hidden from me. Is she afraid of me? Or is she expecting someone else's hands to be the ones touching her. I push that thought aside, she wouldn't easily forgive me for asking something like that, and even I know better sometimes.

I wrap my arm loosely around her waist and guide her to my car; the warmth of her body next to mine brings a surprising relief, and I unwillingly feel myself relax. She is still stiff and careful next to me, and her mind is lost in her own memory, but she doesn't pull away.

The only gateway I have ever had is her eyes, dark and deep always dancing especially when she's mad. How many times had she accused me of doing things simply to aggravate her? I rarely deny it out right, but sometimes she leaves me no choice. How could I admit that I love to watch her eyes dance, or that when she is angry her face flushes lightly? I can't, especially not to her. So I keep it to myself, for her sake and my own.

As I snap on her seatbelt her eyes meet mine and I realize for the first time how much pain she hides from all of us each day. Even in her drunken state her eyes are still shielded, not nearly as well but the shields are still there. The pain from the last few days is fresh, but the much older pain, the one I saw that first day we met is still there. It is always there, and I find myself wondering what her eyes would look like without the shields, and just how deep that old pain would lead if I had the chance to follow it.

I stop that thought before it goes any further. I learnt along time ago that if you chase Alice down the rabbit whole you eventually will have to face the queen of hearts, and neither of us is ready for that, but as I climb in the driver's seat and steal a glance at the woman beside me, I wonder if maybe it will happen regardless.

Lisbon sits stiffly beside me for the entire drive. Still expectant, still wary. I talk knowing she can't really hear my words, but hoping my voice will draw her back, and slowly she does relax and drifts off to sleep.

I watch her out of the corner of my eye, and try to suppress the desire to reach out and touch her. I know she would blush hearing that and snap back some defensive and sarcastic remark, and I smile.

When we reach her house I help her out of the car, I'm surprised when I hear a soft fragile voice whisper "Jane?"

I've never heard her sound so venerable and without thinking I pull her closer to me. If she was aware enough to realize what I'd done she would hit me, or growl something about messing around even as she blushed, but now she simply shivers and I whisper in her ear "I'm here Teresa and your home now."

It's not hard to get her inside and even the stairs leading to her bed room are easy enough to maneuver, but once in her room there is something about the ways she flinches against the cool sheets makes me pull away. She's afraid, not that she would ever admit it, even in her drunk state she is to strong for that, but she is afraid. Not of me, not really, but at this moment it doesn't matter. I back away slowly and she watches me with careful eyes.

"Go to sleep Teresa, your safe."

She simply stares at me for several seconds then a small smile spreads across her lips. Her eyes slide closed and I hear her mumble something that sounds suspiciously like, thank you.

I stand at the foot of the bed watching her for several seconds before returning down stairs for one of her dining room chairs. I'll stay with her tonight, and take her grumpy mood in the morning. Grace is right, she shouldn't be alone.


	3. Something like a silver lining

Chapter two: Something like a silver lining (Lisbon's pov)

* * *

A/N: Okay so I know that its been almost a week and I'm very sorry…Normally I am much better at this but…insert list of excuses…If it helps at all I have the next chapter ready and I am also working on another Mentalist story so if your interested…

* * *

I'm not sure exactly what woke me, it could have been the sun in my face or my stomach turning in on itself but I'm pretty sure it was the pounding headache that could only have come from having to much to drink.

Glancing around the room I'm surprised that it's my bedroom. The last thing I remember is shooting tequila with the team. Too much tequila maybe.

As I try to sit up my already pounding head spins and I have to lie back down. I close my eyes hoping that the room will stop spinning so I can get up, but I know I'm going to feel like crap all day. Ok so I definitely had too much tequila. I haven't had a hang over this bad since college, but there is no way I am going to dwell on that. I've spent a lot of time trying to forget it among other things.

Instead I focus on a more pressing issue, how did I get home last night?

I open my eyes and glance around the room again.

When my eyes fall on the chair and jacket beside my bed, I feel my heart miss a beat as it drops into my stomach. One of my dining room chairs is beside my bed, and hanging from the back of it is a man's jacket.

You have got to be kidding. I force myself to sit up to get a better look at it.

I'm silently calling myself a hundred kinds of stupid when he slides into the room with a small smile.

"Good morning sunshine," he says lightly.

It takes several seconds for me to process what I'm seeing. Jane minus his jacket and vest, with his sleeves rolled up to his elbows standing in my bedroom with a cup presumably of steaming tea, looking more comfortable than I have seen him in weeks.

I stare longer than I should, my eyes sliding over him slowly. When I finally reach his eyes I feel my face grow warm, by the twinkle in his eyes as he smiles down on me he had watched the trail I had made up his body.

I lean back into my pillows and close my eyes, hoping he will take the hint and leave, but I know he won't. I know him better than that.

Instead of leaving he chuckles softly, sending a shiver down my spine, and causing my stomach to turn over again.

"Drink the tea before you go back to sleep," he says gently placing the cup on the bedside table.

I jump startled by how close he suddenly is, and open my eyes to glare at him. He has returned to the chair beside my bed and is leaning toward me with his classic amused smile. As always it irritates and unnerves me.

His blue eyes flash as he studies me, as if he needs more than a glance to see whatever it is he is looking for. I shift uncomfortable with his scrutinizing stare. He does it so often that I should be immune, and sometimes I think I have convinced him I am, but I'm not, instead every time I still feel like he is seeing more than he should.

"I can't go back to sleep. We have to work."

"You're not working today," he informs me leaning back into the chair, but his eyes never leaving my face.

"Of course I am," I growl. "Now go away so I can get dressed."

He laughs and I simply glare back at him.

"You don't have to work today Lisbon. You've already called in sick."

It takes a moment but I finally sit up and turn to him. "What did you do?" I demand.

"Nothing," he promises grinning wickedly. I try to ignore the tingle in my stomach as I stare up at him and his damn smile.

"Jane." I growl.

"Okay, okay. I called Cho and told him to tell Minelli that you have come down with something. He will probably know it's a lie, but after the week we have had I'm sure he wanted you to take some time off anyway."

"Damn it Jane! We have work to do."

"Not today."

"What about Red John?" I snap. It's a low shot and I know it, and part of me almost feels bad, but that Jane was asking for it. Still when his eyes glaze over I wish I could take it back.

"Not today," he repeats his smile a little less convincing than a moment ago.

I'm surprised by his answer. I had always thought that when the time finally came to chose Jane would chose Red John and his revenge over us, but something about the way he is looking at me makes me wonder if I was wrong.

I know better than to take anything Jane says or does at face value, I really do, but I can't help but hope that the concern in his eyes as he watches me touch my head carefully is real.

"Why did you stay all night?" I ask changing the subject before I let my self get carried away. I expect it to sound demanding, but I'm surprised by the softness in my own voice and for just a second I can tell that Jane is to.

"I was worried," he admits. "You were out of it by the time we got back here."

"You could have just left me."

The dazzling smile I receive is almost enough to hide his eyes darkening slightly, almost.

"I would never do that, Lisbon."

"You said it yourself I was out of it." I say pushing trying to find what he was trying to hide.

His smile shifted slightly into an amused grin. "Don't worry I was the perfect gentlemen."

I feel my face grow hot and look away involuntarily. I know he is still smiling and it irks me to know how easily he can manipulate me. Not that I would ever acknowledge it, especially to him. But it's impossible to hide the heat in my face so I try to ignore it and keep pushing.

"Don't be ridiculous you know that's not what I meant."

"Did I, Lisbon? Are you sure?" he asks his cool sarcasm shinning through as always.

I bite back the smile threatening to betray me and pray that my face doesn't get any redder.

"Of course. Why would I even think that?" I ask coolly.

"Well you were drunk and I spent the night in your apartment. It would be a reasonable question."

"You're better than that," I say without thinking.

Jane leans forward again studding me. He is analyzing what I said, and I kick myself for speaking without thinking it through first.

"I'm glad you think so," he says finally.

I give him a tight nod and drop my gaze. It is ridiculous that Patrick Jane has me twisting in my own house, in my bedroom; I feel my face flush again. Damn it I need to stop it otherwise I really will be in trouble. Some of the liquor from last night is obviously still in my system.

"Do you think you can eat something and keep it down?" He asks softly.

"I don't eat breakfast," I say slowly.

He chuckles. "You do today."

Jane stands and I move to follow him but he turns to me and places a hand on my shoulder. "You're staying in bed. I'll make you breakfast."

"I'm getting up and going to work, Jane." I say exasperated. "And I'm not hungry."

He grins at me and suddenly I feel suspicious. "Well dear Lisbon it seems there will be many things you are not planning on today, because you aren't going to work. You are staying in bed and you will be eating breakfast."

"Really?" I ask raising an eyebrow. He is up to something though I have no idea what it is.

I stiffen as he leans closer to me and for one foolish second I think he is going to kiss me.

Instead I hear the click of hand cuffs and growl, "don't even think about it."

He simply smiles. "A precaution my dear."

"Do you want me to shoot you?" I ask surprising a smile.

Something passes behind his eyes but his smile never falters. "I've hidden both your gun and your keys my dear. You can have them back tonight after dinner, and I will not hand cuff you if you promise to stay in bed and let me take care of you."

I stare at him shock evident on my face. Everything about what he just said seems strange, and while I'm still trying to process it he stands and walks out, stopping in my doorway for a moment to point at me and say, "stay."

"Bite me," I growl softly.

He chuckles and as he turns away I could swear I hear him say, "be careful what you wish for."

I stare after him in stunned silence. I can hear him downstairs in the kitchen, and sigh. I lay back down on my bed and close my eyes resign to the fact that I lost this round, besides there are worse ways to spend a day, than with Patrick Jane as your personal maid. I smile at that and I'm thankful he's down stairs so I don't have to explain the almost silent fit of laughter I break into.

No more tequila, I decide as I try to catch my breath. I need to stop drinking tequila.


	4. Pink ribbons and gold stars

Chapter three: Pink ribbons and gold stars (Jane's pov)

* * *

"Bite me," she says coolly. I know her eyes are dancing without looking back.

"Be careful what you wish for," I tell her suppressing the urge to turn and face her, to see the startled look that I know will be there; instead I force myself to go downstairs to start breakfast.

Teresa stay's in her room longer than I expected. I hear the shower start and almost cut my hand as the image of Lisbon under the hot water flashes through my mind.

She joins me almost twenty minuets later, a robe wrapped tightly around her, cheeks still pink from the shower.

I grin at her as I say, "just in time."

Teresa looks around her kitchen with a tiny smile playing on her lips. What I wouldn't give to be able to really read her mind. I have often told her I can, and part of her believes me, but I know the more sensible part of her recognizes the teasing behind it.

She sits down at the table her eyes following me as I finish setting the table, and bring out two plates full of food. I laugh as her eyes widen in surprise.

"Jane," she says smiling and trying to keep herself from laughing. "I tell you I don't eat breakfast and you make enough food to feed our entire team."

I can't help but laugh, "believe me my dear, this is not nearly enough food for our team."

I was surprised by the soft chuckle as I sit down beside her.

"Not including Rigsby," she amends gently. "This is too much Jane; really you didn't have to do this."

"I know that."

Lisbon smiled and picked up her fork and began to nibble at the food before her. I watch her intently as she tries the eggs, bacon, and fruit on her plate seemingly surprised at the taste.

It was several seconds before she paused looking up at me with carefully guarded eyes. I dropped my stare to my own plate and began eating. I could feel her eyes on me, but I didn't look up at her again, and we finish our breakfast in relative silence.

I should leave now. I can tell that something about today is different, though I can't place what it is. Our usual banter is softer almost guarded, and I'm not sure what either of us is afraid is going to happen. I should leave, but when she stands to gather up the dishes I join her and together we clean her small kitchen teasing playfully as we do.

The rest of the day passed far too quickly, with only a few threats of violence, before it started getting dark outside.

My eyes fell on the sleeping figure beside me. Her legs were curled up against her, and her head was resting on my shoulder. The warmth of her body beside me was intoxicating. Teresa's dark curls hung loosely across her cheek and I carefully brushed them from her face.

At the touch of my hand she murmured something inaudible.

My heart raced in my chest as my hand froze on her cheek. I watched as her eye lashes flickered as she tried to wake from her dreamy sleep, before she sighed softly, and stilled. Slowly and as soft as a breath I ran my fingers gingerly over her cheek.

A small smile played on her lips and I couldn't help but smile with her.

I should get up and start dinner, but the thought of leaving the warmth of her body beside mine kept me still. How had this fiery little woman managed to capture me so easily? Asleep Teresa Lisbon was the exact opposite of her normal overwhelming confidence kept in place by a concealed mask. Asleep she looked peaceful, and fragile.

I grin knowing that if I ever told her so she would threaten to shoot me, but the grin slips away as I watch her. I had seen Teresa more vulnerable in the last twenty four hours than in all the years I had known her.

Slowly, careful not to disturb her, I slide away from her. Its getting late and she will be hungry when she wakes up. With one last glance at the sleeping figure on the couch I head into the kitchen and begin dinner.

I didn't plan it, although I know she will accuse me of it, but I light the candles on a whim as I set the table. With the lights dim as the darkness outside beings to seep inside her apartment, her small dining room seems much more intimate than it had that morning.

"How very sophomoric," her quiet voice surprises me and I turn to face her. It takes a moment longer than it should for me to understand what she said.

The small grin on her face, tells me she knows she caught me off guard, and I grin back trying to convince her she's wrong. Letting Lisbon know how often she unbalances me could be very dangerous to both of us. She's better off not knowing, we both are really.

"That depends entirely my dear, on if it is working."

Her face flushes and I move to stand closer to her.

"Do you think I am trying to seduce you Teresa?" I ask my voice isn't as steady as I'd hoped but I keep my face cool and serine.

Her face flushes a darker red but she doesn't back down. "Now why would I think that?"

I expected her to retreat; instead she faced me with a defying stare.

The grin that touches my lips is involuntary as I say, "why indeed."

Lisbon's face is burning as she turns from me and takes a seat at her table.

I let her go. We are both to quite through dinner; none of our usual banter or teasing, and I wonder if we have crossed a line without realizing it.

Its only when the dishes are put away and we are sitting on her couch in her living room sipping hot chocolate, or tea in my case, that she breaks the steady silence that had fallen between us.

"Its after dinner," she says sweetly with a small smile.

"How very observant of you," I say smiling back at her.

"Come on Jane," Lisbon growls softly. "I stayed here all day, and didn't kick you out, now where are my guns?"

I hesitate; I don't want her to have them. Not because she will shoot me, whatever she threatens, but because the smile she had tried to hold in place all day doesn't quite meet her eyes.

She waits for the answer but I don't want her to have either of her weapons in her hands again; I can not shake the emptiness in her eyes I had seen last night, and I wonder if perhaps her acting only a few weeks ago was closer to the truth than anyone realized. Even me.

"Jane?" The soft teasing growl in her voice is gone, and has been replaced with a curious carefulness that sounds strange coming from my agent.

I know I don't have any choice so I grin at her before standing and giving her a deep bow. She continues to smile but her eyes follow me carefully as I disappear into the back of the house and reappear with both of her hand guns and her keys.

Lisbon doesn't seem to notice the way I watch her carefully check each weapon before setting them both to the side, nor does she seem to realize how the simple feel of the metal against her skin helps her relax.

They make her feel safe, make her feel in control, but the shadow in her eyes is still there and I still wish I could keep them from her.

* * *

She's late for work. Lisbon is never late for work.

I would be sure it was my own obsession with the small agent that was making me worry for her, if I hadn't seen the way the rest of the team sat stiffly watching the elevators out of the corner of their eyes.

Teresa Lisbon was never late. I felt the odd churning in my stomach as I sat on my couch. A few weeks earlier I had convinced Menelli that I was worried about Lisbon hurting herself, I had played the part well and he had sent the not so good doctor to check up on her. Now there was no acting and Menelli was gone, but I was suddenly thinking of the way she had held the guns I had returned to her last night.

I was just talking myself into going to her apartment when I heard the familiar sound of her heel's clicking on the floor. I relaxed into my couch and pretended to be oblivious. Lisbon was here, and I wanted to glance up at her to make sure she was alright, but as long as she was here I felt relaxed. It was the person who stood beside her that now had me curious.

"This is Sarah Carlson," Lisbon's voice was uncommonly still as she spoke and I glanced up and met her stare.

There was something akin to anger dancing in her green eyes but she was trying to keep it hidden from the woman beside her.

The stranger was a foot taller than Lisbon with a small frame. Her dirty blond hair that looked almost pixie like in its length and choppy flare fell on her shoulders. Her blue eyes were much darker than mine and had a soft glint of green in them.

She glanced around the room smiling at each of them as Lisbon introduced them all.

This woman was replacing Menelli, I realized with a start. That was why Lisbon's reaction was so strange. I knew as soon as Menelli announced his retirement that things at CBI would get more difficult to maneuver.

A moment later she said as much to the team and I finally stood to join them.

"And this is Patrick Jane." Lisbon's eyes flickered from me to the woman at her side.

I gave the woman one of my most charming smiles, and she simply starred at me, before a small smile crept onto her lips.

"It's nice to finally meet you Mr. Jane." She said slowly. "Menelli warned me about you."

I saw the mixed reactions from my team as they all tried to hide the smiles that would give them away.

I grinned at her and gave her a small bow.

She laughed and turned to Lisbon, "I'll leave you to it Teresa."

She nodded to Lisbon and then to each of the others. Before turning and leaving. I watched her go with a small smile.

"Jane," Lisbon growled softly.

I could hear the warning in her voice, but I didn't say anything, instead I simply grinned at her before returning to my couch. Perhaps this wouldn't be so hard to maneuver after all.


	5. Red lipstick and black mascara

Chapter three: Red lipstick and black mascara (Lisbon's pov)

* * *

A:N/ Happy New Year's everyone…hope you have a wonderful night. Stay safe, and I'll see you in 2010.

A special thanks to Yabba…who has agreed to be Beta for this story. Thank you for all your help. =)

And now onto the story…hope you all enjoy it.

* * *

Three processions, three funerals, three families, and four sleepless nights.

There was only one left. One more hero, victim, and friend to whom we had to pay our respects. I just had to get through one more, but as I tightened the clasp of my badge to my shirt, I knew that this was the one I couldn't do.

The woman staring back at me in the mirror knew I couldn't do this. She had dark circles under her eyes, and her gaze seemed lost in a different moment than this one. She knew I couldn't do this, but I knew I had no choice. I had to do this, because they expected Saint Teresa to do it. They expected her to be strong, because she always was. No one could know that this was hell for me; I couldn't and wouldn't let them.

Jane's gentle accusation stung in my ears. _You loved him._ There had been no condescension in his voice, no anger, no surprise. He had said it, and I had known it wasn't a question. _You loved him._ How could I explain what I didn't even understand myself?

Bosco had been my mentor, my friend. He was a married man, and I would never understand how I could have been so stupid.

Jane's voice had been so careful; I didn't want to know what was hidden under it. I fell in love with a married man, not once but twice. So how could I explain to Jane what I would never understand myself? That I loved them both, despite knowing I could never let them love me in return.

Maybe the woman in the mirror was right, and I won't be able to do this…

Four processions, four funerals, four families, and a lifetime of sleepless nights.

My team stands beside me as we make the long march through the streets of Sacramento to his grave. _My team._ It could have, should have been my team. I can see in their eyes that they are thinking the same thing. I could see it in the faces of the families of the men lost to us because of Red John, because of Rebbeca, because of us.

I don't hear the commissioner's words as he speaks about the heroes that were taken. It's the same speech he gave at the other three.

I can't hear Menelli even though I know this is different than each of the ceremonies. They were his men, his people, and his soldiers, just like me.

I won't hear the preacher as he lays Sam down to rest, as he says the last goodbye for all of us.

God forgive me, all I hear is the echo of the gun that never went off; my gun, my bullet, just one, a bullet to her heart, like the one that is in mine.

There never should have been four processions, four funerals, four families. There should only have been one. Red John's, and there will be no processions, no family, only the first night of sleep in a lifetime of sleeplessness. Yet I couldn't give them that, so I should have given them five. I should have sent her with them.

When the ceremony finally ends, the shots that echo through the cemetery pierce my heart. I know I can't stand here any longer. I turn silently, ignoring the voices of my team as I leave them to do this alone. I have stood for them as long as my legs would hold me, but I have to go, or I will fall apart in front of them, and I can't do that.

I have no idea where I'm going. I just know I want to put as much space between me and them as possible.

It's only when the sound of voices disappear that I slow. I sink to the ground beside a stranger's grave and the tears that have been threatening for almost a week fall unwelcomed down my cheeks.

I don't hear him approaching, but I shouldn't be surprised that it's his hand that rests lightly on my shoulder. It's far too late for me to hide the tears but I can't look up at him. Jane can read me so easily even when I try to hide behind old shields, I can't face him now, when it feels like every shield I've ever had is being torn down around me.

"Lisbon," Jane says softly, but I ignore him and pray that he will go away.

"Teresa," his voice is almost pleading as he kneels down beside me.

I fold my arms tightly across my chest and try to suppress the feeling that my heart is being ripped out, tears running like rivers down my face. I keep my eyes tightly closed and lean away from him. Praying the tears won't force their way out again until he is gone.

I try to tell myself I don't want him to see me like this. I don't want him to see my weakness. I don't want his comfort, and I don't want to feel his arm wrapping around my waist ushering me to him. Why did it have to be Jane? There were a hundred people why did it have to be Jane?

"Jane please," even I'm not sure if I'm begging him to leave or to stay, but I keep my face turned from him, despite his closeness.

Jane's hand touches my face lightly and despite the pain or maybe because of it I feel my heart skip a beat. He is too close and I try to pull away.

"Please," I hiss as a few more tears escape.

"I'm not going anywhere, Teresa." He whispers into my hair.

"Jane," my voice breaks as my tears finally spill over.

His arms are suddenly around me and I feel myself being pulled against his chest. I should push him away. I know that his comfort comes with a condition, just as his friendship does, but his arms around me feel too good, and it is to easy to fall into them.

I let myself fall apart, trusting him to keep me from going over the edge. His soft whispers and gentle caresses are the only things that I can hear or feel outside the pain in my chest.

Part of me knows it's not just Bosco I'm crying for, but for all of the victims I couldn't save and their families, as well as for my team, for me, and for Jane.

I have no idea how long I sit tightly in his arms, only that when my tears finally subside I realize its raining. The clouds that had been hovering over Sacramento had finally broken open, leaving Jane and I soaking wet.

The warmth of his body is distinct in the chill surrounding us, and I know I will probably regret letting him this close to me. Letting him see this part of me, but I don't pull away. I know he is the wrong person to trust. The wrong one to feel safe with, but its Jane, and I'm not sure the choice was ever mine.

When I pull away, I feel the hesitation in his touch before he releases me. The warmth of his touch is replaced instantly with a flood of cold air that makes me shiver.

I glance up at his face and flinch. His eyes are burning with a combination of emotions that startles me.

We sit in silence for several seconds before I drop my gaze searching the empty grounds for anyone left of the funeral party.

"We should go back," I say softly my eyes not quite meeting his eyes, I'm afraid what I'll see there.

"They're already gone, Teresa." Jane says softly.

My name on his lips sounds more comfortable than I expected, and much more than I want.

"We should go back."

"Why?"

I hesitate knowing he will hear the lie, but knowing better than to tell him the truth, I settle for some where in the middle.

"I'm cold."

He sighs and the sound is almost sad.

Jane stands and pulls me to my feet before wrapping his jacket over my shoulders.

Everyone is gone when we make it back to the cars. They all had fled the rain, and the grief that they had been caught in.

The only car's left are mine and Jane's, and I silently thank the stars above us that he won't need a ride home.

We stop at my car and I pull his jacket off my shoulders. "I need to go home."

"May I join you?" The fact that he's asking sets off alarm bells in my mind and heart, and I shut both down before they can run away with me.

"No Jane, I need to be alone."

"You don't want to be alone in that apartment Teresa," he says in a soft knowing voice.

"No," I whisper, "I have to be."

"Let me look after you Teresa," his voice implores me.

"Lisbon," I say my voice colder than I ever meant for it to be.

"Teresa."

"No Jane! Go home or go to the CBI building, but just go."

"I want to help…"

"You can't help me," I hiss turning on him. "Don't you get it Jane? You're the last person who can help me."

"Teresa."

"Lisbon!" I snap. I can feel the tears coming again but I can't fall into his arms, not again. If I do I know it will destroy me. How doesn't he see what he's doing to me?

His hand touches my arm and I pull away like I've been burned.

"I never meant to hurt you." His voice is so broken and I curse myself.

"You didn't do this," I whisper trying to keep control of myself long enough to end this. "Red John did this Jane, you didn't, but you can't help me. Not with this."

"Let me try."

"You'll only hurt me, Jane, and I can't hurt anymore."

It's hateful, and I can't bear to look at him and see the pain I've caused him, but I can't let this happen. I can't because it will never mean the same to him as it does to me. So I climb into my car without looking at him, and pull away just as the tears begin to fall again. How could I have been so stupid?


	6. Lavender's like dreaming

Chapter four: Lavender's like dreaming (Jane's pov)

* * *

A/N: Minx my muse has been on an angst tirade lately and I'm not sure why, but the next few chapters sort of reflect that…This story is going to be much darker than I had originally thought. Oh well…she must have her way. =)

Once again thanks to my amazing beta Yabba (Yanna) for her help and encouragement.

Enjoy everyone.

* * *

Lisbon had been uncharacteristically quiet all week, avoiding not only me but the rest of the team.

It's been almost two weeks since Bosco's funeral and her words still echo in my mind_. You'll only hurt me, Jane, and I can't hurt anymore._ I never wanted to hurt her. I make her angry to see her smile, I tease her to take her mind of the pain and grief the job brings her, but I never meant to hurt her.

I watch her cross the bullpen eyes trained on the floor. It reminds me of a lioness I had once seen pacing her enclosure, she had been wounded in a fight and had slunk away to lick her wounds. She would defend herself against attack, and would probably still win out of sheer stubbornness, but she was in no condition to do so. Just like that lioness, Lisbon pretended to be strong not only for our sakes but also for her own.

It wasn't my own worry for her however, that made my stomach twist it was the way the team watched her carefully. The way they spoke to her just that little bit more tenderly than before. They were worried about her, just as I was, and something about that made it seem that much more concerning.

Minelli's announcement that he was retiring seemed to be the last straw. I could see the broken pieces of her heart fall to the floor as she paused just inside her office. She glances' up at me, at the team, having felt our eyes on her, and gives us a small halfhearted smile before closing the door with a snap. I wish more than anything that I could pick up the pieces and put them back together, but they feel like scattered shards of glass across the tile floor.

* * *

It was already mid afternoon but the sun was hardly shining at all. It seems the weather in California is mourning as well.

Minelli walks into the bullpen, his face tired and worn.

"Get agent Lisbon," he says softly. His voice like his face seems tired.

No one dares ask, as Cho stands and quickly goes to Lisbon's office. She appears looking slightly surprised when she sees Minelli.

"Sit down," he says simply looking at each of us in turn.

Cho resumes his seat as I stand and move towards them from my comfortable couch.

"Teresa," Minelli says pointing to an empty chair.

Lisbon stares at him for several seconds, confusion playing on her face before she taking up the appointed seat.

When his eyes fall on me I lean up against Van Pelt's desk and nod.

He sighs then continues, "The governor suggested I give this case to a different team. He's worried that all of you are to close too this, that he has too much of a hold on you."

None of us had to ask what he was talking about, we all knew, and it wasn't my voice alone that began to argue at the thought of loosing the Red John case to yet another team. It was only Lisbon that remained silent, her eyes suddenly guarded.

Minelli raised a hand and each of us in turn fell silent.

"I'm not going to do that, but not because I disagree. Personally I think sending all five of you out of state is probably the best thing I could do for you, but I know none of you would go. He wants you on this case as much as you want to be on it." Minelli sighed again. This time he sunk to the desk beside us, letting his eyes fall to the floor.

Not even I could think of something to say in the small space of time he allowed the weariness to show through.

"Red John is yours, against my better judgment."

I felt the air in my lungs release; I hadn't even noticed I was holding my breath.

"You have another body," Minelli says handing Lisbon a file, "but Teresa, this one comes with a message."

Her face paled slightly but she gave no other reaction to the news.

Lisbon's eyes never meet anyone's. Not as we gather our gear. Not as we climb into the van, and not as we pull to a stop outside the crime scene.

There is an almost eerie feeling in the van as no one is really ready to go inside and see the crime scene. I can feel the tension and I know that none of them are really sure how they are going to react. They are afraid, but no one, not even or especially Lisbon is going to show it.

She is the first one out of the car, her eyes flashing as she storms up the walk. It's a mask. A charade to hide the pain and fear lurking beneath, and it works. Uniforms jump out of our way as we hurry after her.

The team will do this because they have to; they won't let the screaming in their heads tell them how to react. I know they will stay almost a cold calm, but I know it not because of my skills, but because I know them. This has become a familiar dance that none of us wanted to be apart of.

No one speaks as we enter the little bedroom. The red smiling face grins down at us, daring us to come closer.

Lisbon freezes in the door way. I touch her shoulder gently and she steps aside not looking at me. Instead her eyes are glued to the beautiful redhead laying on the bed her open eyes starring at us terrified.

I feel rather than see Rigsby slip closer to Van Pelt, and I can't blame him. The woman is a few years older, but looks enough like Grace that they could be sisters.

The sudden hitch in Grace's breath tells me she has seen it too.

The silence between us now is now one of shock more than worry; the five of us stand in the doorway unmoving for several seconds before a brave uniform speaks softly breaking the spell.

"Agent Lisbon. Mr. Jane."

We both look up at him and something akin to pity dances across his young face.

He holds the letter out to Lisbon and she takes it with shaking hands.

Her back is now to the room, and four sets of eyes watch her face waiting for a reaction.

I watch as all the colour drains out of her face, and her eyes glaze over. Her eyes shoot up to Van Pelt, then search for mine only seconds later. Her mask is cracking and I can see the flicker of genuine fear lingering in her eyes as she hands me the small piece of white paper.

Sprawled across in printer black ink was a letter from him.

Dear Mr. Jane,

I do hope you and your team have had enough time to grieve, because I will give you no more time to waste on half hearted pains, not when the main production is yet to come.

I thought you would appreciate the beautiful piece of art work I have left for you. She is not nearly as beautiful as the real thing, but an appropriate appetizer. I'm sure that your dear Grace will put up much more of a fight, but we shall see.

Perhaps she will surprise us both Mr. Jane.

I raise my head and meet Lisbon's eyes, her stare is unguarded revealing the fear I feel pulsing through me. Red John is coming after us.


	7. The color of chaos

A/N: Okay so this is a little longer than normal but trust me its worth it. Thanks for all the wonderful reviews, and I hope you enjoy this next chapter.

* * *

Jane met my stare with the same turmoil of emotions crashing in his eyes that I felt pounding in my chest. I know why I sought his stare instead of any of my teams but I won't admit it to myself. I had been avoiding him all week, but now, now I wished I could lay my head on his shoulder as I had only a week ago, and let him chase away the nightmares that I know will come tonight.

I want his comfort but I know I can not have it; I have to be strong for my team. I settle for his gentle hand on my shoulder as we turn to face Van Pelt; Jane hands her the small piece of paper, watching her just as carefully as I am.

She looks startled by the softness in his stare and takes the letter with trembling hands, some part of her already knowing what it says.

Van Pelt takes it better than I expected, she grows a little pale as her eyes take in the note and the body before us. The body, the letter, they are all Red John's way of scaring us, and I can see it in the expressions of my team that it's working. Van Pelt's mouth sets into a thin line and she gives me a small nod before passing the paper to Cho.

Cho hardly reacts at all. I watch as he reads through it twice before looking up to meet my stare. He nods slowly and hands the paper to Rigsby. No reaction, well almost none, I notice he leans a little closer to Van Pelt and his eyes flicker to her more than what is natural. Cho will protect them, just as I will.

Rigsby's soft growl shouldn't really have been a surprise. I had expected him to have the worst reaction, especially because this victim was like a cardboard copy of Van Pelt. He proceeds to call Red John a series of things I had never heard Wayne say before, until Grace rests a small hand on his arm, drawing him back to the reality around us. The fear glittering in her eyes is just noticeable enough for him to register and he calms down considerably, though I doubt he will leave her side for quite some time.

My team goes back to work, trying not to show their sudden vigilance. They stay close to Grace for the rest of the day. My team, my family, I know it's my job to protect them, and I will keep them safe, I have too.

* * *

It is a full month before we get the call. Red John leaves us the second body, second letter, and the second mirror of what will happen to my team.

Part of me is surprised to see a man that looks too much like Rigsby when we enter the living room. The man's eyes stare back at me, and I feel my stomach turn in on itself. I take a deep breath and push the feeling aside. There is no way I am going to let my team see me fall apart. No here, not now, not when they need me.

I touch Rigsby's arm lightly and he looks at me startled. It takes several seconds but finally Rigsby touches my hand on his arm and gives it a soft squeeze. I give him a small smile and step away. We do our jobs ignoring the gnawing fear circling us.

They are my team, my family, and I will protect them.

* * *

After another three weeks, the stress of waiting for another body to appear paired with my own struggle with insomnia leaves me completely drained.

I can feel Jane's worried eyes follow me whenever I leave my office and venture into the bullpen. I keep expecting him to barge into my office and demand something of me, but instead he stays out of my way.

It's almost disappointing. Part of me wishes he would come and argue with me about something. Anything. Yet for the first time, Jane is doing as I asked, and I can feel it wearing on my already battered heart.

The team follows my lead, each of them trying to keep their fear hidden. Some days they do better than others.

Grace and Rigsby arrive and leave work together, and I'm too glad that neither of them is alone to quote rules and regulations to them.

Cho always stays late. I know he is waiting for me, but I don't need a babysitter, so I send him home each day before it gets dark, and he goes but only after searching for Jane. The two share a silent nod and then he will goes.

I'm supposed to be looking after them, but I know they are trying to protect me. Its dangerous, but I know there's no point in telling them to stop, so I let it slide.

Each night Jane walks me to my car in silence. I don't even bother trying to argue with him, and he doesn't speak other than to say goodnight, and half an hour later my phone rings on cue.

I try not to smile when I answer, knowing he can probably hear it in my voice.

"I'm fine Jane," I tell him settling down on my couch.

"I know," he tells me his voice uncharacteristically quiet, "I'm psychic remember."

The smile always comes no matter how hard I try to keep it away. Each night I tell myself I will tease him about not really being psychic, but each night I sigh and tell him good night instead, and he lets me. I don't know why, but he lets me.

The third body comes three weeks after the second, an Asian man this time.

One more letter left for us as a taunt, a warning, and a nightmare that I can't wake up from. They are my team, my family, and I have to protect them.

* * *

When my phone rings shrilly at a little after five in the morning almost three months after the first body, I don't have to answer to know what the voice on the other end is going to say. I stare at the phone listening to it ring for several seconds before I can make myself reach out and pick it up. One more body, one more letter, this time a mirror of what will happen to me.

* * *

It's the perfect Red John crime scene, from the lack of evidence, the body, to the red smiling face, painted in the woman's own blood. Some part of me always twists when I see it, and in a strange way I'm glad. It doesn't hurt as much anymore, but as long as the sickness still comes I'll know I haven't grown immune to it. The day I do is the day I leave CBI for good.

I try to see past the deep bloody cuts all over her body and try to see the woman that he left broken behind. She is beautiful, at least she had been. Dark brown curls that fall down to her shoulders and pale porcelain skin, with a small frame. She looks like me, I had expected it, we all had, but I can still feel their burning gaze watching me.

The coroner leans down beside the dead girl and says something softly to her.

"What color are her eyes?" Jane asks startling everyone in the room as he breaks the silence that had settled over us.

The cornier looks to me for approval, and I nod slowly. I already know the answer before she tells us, and I know Jane does to because he moves to stand closer to me.

"Green," she says softly looking up with a guarded expression

I expected the answer, I knew it was coming, and yet the chill that passed through me still makes me shiver involuntarily.

Jane's hand brushes my side lightly and I'm thankful for his attempt to subtly comfort me.

"That's all of us" Rigsby says, his voice shaking slightly.

"Except Jane," Cho says his voice ever calm.

"There won't be a body for Jane," I tell them softly, though I'm not sure why I'm positive it's true.

"It isn't about killing Jane, it's about causing pain." I glance at Grace wishing she was wrong, but I know she's not.

What ever my personal fears I know I can't let my team see them so I turn to her and give her a sad smile, "This doesn't mean anything Van Pelt, Red John has a sick sense of humor, but we already knew that."

She nods, but doesn't believe me. I should try and convince her, convince all of them, but something catches my eye that almost makes my heart stop.

"Lisbon?" Jane's worried voice is one of many, but he is the one I hear, he is the one that touches my arm softly.

The electricity that passes through me when his skin touches mine is the reason I try to keep space between us. I can't let myself feel the sudden churning that I always get when his eyes meet mine, or when he smiles, hell when he walks in a room, but I try not to let myself feel it, and I know I can't now.

I pull away from him and move past all my team as if they were invisible to me, and in this moment they are. My stomach threatens to over throw me but I force it down. This has to be the nightmare and not the reality. It has to be.

I kneel at the end of the bed and try to ignore the bloody mattress now inches from my face.

"It's okay," I whisper softly. "We're the police; no one is going to hurt you."

I can feel my team's eyes on me, but I ignore them. Bright blue eyes flash and she whimpers softly.

"Come here sweet heart, it's alright, come here."

I hear Van Pelt gasp and Rigsby swear under his breath, but I focus all my attention on the little girl sliding slowly out from under the bed. Her blue eyes are shining brightly from unshed tears and her blond locks are tangled together. She can't be more than seven.

Her eyes glaze over the room wearily as she sits up slowly. I touch her arm and she flinches, but I'm more worried about her turning around and seeing the dead woman.

"It's okay," I promise as I wrap my arms around her.

She rests her head on my chest but her body is still stiff.

"Come on," I say gently. "Don't look."

She allows me to lead her out of the room, I feel Jane appear beside me as he rests his hand in the small of my back, and I shiver again, though this time for a very different reason.

I don't stop or slow until we are outside in the bright California sun. Police and techs jump out of our way as we pass, and I'm not sure if it's me, Jane, or the girl they are more surprised by.

Once free of the house I relax a little, and my hold on the girl lessens.

I kneel down in front of her and brush her hair from her face; she stares at me with a blank gaze that is unnerving.

"She's in shock." Jane says gently.

I touch her face softly and she flinches like I'd slapped her.

"My name is Teresa, and this is Patrick." I say softly.

"Teresa," says a small broken voice.

I smile and nod.

She leans into me and I wrap my arms around her instinctively.

"Crystal," the little one in my arms whispers before she starts sobbing.

I pull her tightly against my chest and run my fingers through her hair. As I stand I lift her with me, and feel Jane's hand on my back steadying me. I smile at him thankfully and am surprised by the strange smile on his lips.

Later I will ask him what he was thinking, even though I doubt he'll tell me. But I'll ask, and maybe for once Jane will tell me the truth.


	8. Amber night lights

Chapter six: Amber night lights (Jane's pov)

* * *

Just when I thought my nightmares couldn't get any worse, I am proven wrong.

Lisbon tenses beside me and when I meet her eyes, I'm faced with a startled stare.

Cho, Van Pelt, and Rigsby are speaking to each other, apparently having not noticed, Lisbon's sudden change in demeanor.

"Lisbon?" I ask gently touching her hand.

The sound of my voice focuses the rest of the team on the small woman at my side, and they fall silent.

She pulls away from me and moves to the edge of the bed like she is in a daze. When she leans down toward the body her eyes still dazed, I have to restrain myself from physically pulling her away.

I'm still considering dragging her out, consequences be damned, when her soft worried voice makes the blood in my veins turn to ice.

"It's okay. We're the police; no one is going to hurt you."

The girls' soft whimper echoes through the sudden silence.

"Come here sweet-heart, it's alright, come here."

VanPelt gasps, in the same moment Rigsby swears under his breath, and Cho freezes in place.

I can only stare at the little girl now suddenly in Lisbon's arms as shock floods through me. I barely register following at Lisbon's heels as she whisk's the child from the room.

It is only once we are outside that I feel myself begin to process what I'm seeing.

"She's in shock." I tell Lisbon softly, as if she didn't already know.

"My name is Teresa, and this is Patrick," she says softly her eyes never leaving the child's.

"Teresa," says a small broken voice.

Lisbon nods and the little girl whispers that her name is Crystal before suddenly bursting into tears, this time safely in Lisbon's arms. she is in again Lisbon's arms this time sobbing.

As Lisbon stands still cradling the crying child in her arms, I instinctively reach out to steady her. I'm rewarded with a small thankful smile as we turn and head to the car.

The car ride back to CBI is done in almost total silence, save the soft occasional whimper from Crystal.

I glance in the review mirror. Crystal is still wrapped in Lisbon's arms and the woman is watching the child with a tender stare that I haven't seen in almost three months.

I allow Lisbon to lead Crystal up through security to the bullpen trailing behind them, my eyes flickering from one to the other.

"Lay down on my couch with her," I whisper into Lisbon's ear.

She stares at me for several seconds, trying to figure out if I'm kidding or not, but finally she nods and leads Crystal over to my couch. Lisbon sits down, and Crystal lays her head on Lisbon's lap.

Crystal's eyes glide across the room before finally flickering closed, her hand tightly griping the fabric of Lisbon's coat. I try not to smile as I watch Lisbon run her fingers gently through Crystal's hair.

The stab of grief that rushes through me fights the affection I feel wrapping itself around my heart. For just an instant they are the perfect image of mother and daughter. I almost forget for just that second, that it's Lisbon and a child left to us from Red John.

When Lisbon glances up, I drop my gaze. I push all thoughts of family, especially thoughts of Lisbon and family out of my mind. She would blush and shoot me in the same second, if she knew.

"She's asleep," Lisbon's soft whisper draws my attention back to her.

I can feel myself staring, and the faint blush creeping onto her cheeks tells me that Lisbon can see at least some of the emotions I am fighting to keep under control.

"Jane…"

What ever she was going to say is interrupted when the rest of the team arrive. She shushes them quickly, and everyone falls silent instantly. All eyes settle on the little girl sleeping on my couch with Lisbon.

For several minuets the team simply watches her sleep, before returning to their desks.

I settle myself at my hardly used desk, and let the questions rush through my mind. How did she survive Red John? Was she his second mistake or planted? What are we going to do with her?

* * *

The rest of the day slides by in a haze of questions and banished emotions.

Crystal wakes several times from her deep sleep and each time she clings to Lisbon as if the small agent were her only life line.

The little girl watches the entire team warily, and a different kind of grief washes over me each time I see her tense as one of the team moves unexpectedly. The only person that seems to have Crystal's trust is Lisbon, and I can't help but worry if perhaps she see's the woman Red John murdered in the agent that now protects her.

It's almost ten by the time Lisbon's own weariness catches up with her and she drifts off to sleep with Crystal still clinging to her.

It doesn't take much encouragement for the rest of the team to head home, even Cho who normally would have insisted on waiting till Lisbon woke left after I swore I would call if anything happened.

With the rest of the team gone the only sounds keeping me company are two sets of soft steady breathing.

I can watch them un interrupted now in the stillness of the bullpen with no fear of being discovered.

Crystal's soft blond curls are strewn across her face and down her shoulders as she sleeps. Although her eyes are closed now, I can still see the flashing blue of them in my mind. She looks too much like my daughter for it to simply be a coincidence.

With a cold sick feeling I realize that whether or not she was meant to survive, Crystal had been chosen just as the other four victims had been chosen, because of her resemblance to someone else.

My eyes slide of their own accord to the woman sleeping beside Crystal.

Her arms are still sheltering the small child, effectively leaving Lisbon pinned between the back of the couch and Crystal.

Even through the dim shadows, I see the sudden flash of green as she opens her eyes.

I stand slowly and go to her side offering her a small smile.

"Let me take you home," I say softly.

She looks at the small child in her arms and says just as softly, "cps?"

"Not until tomorrow morning."

Lisbon sighed uncertainly and looked back down at the little girl.

"I'll take you both home," I tell Lisbon, picking Crystal up gently.

Lisbon shoots me a questioning stare as she gathers her jacket and wraps it around the child now held securely in my arms.

"She feels safe with you," I tell her simply.

After a moment, she nods and leads me out of the building to her car.

We settle Crystal in the back seat, and Lisbon slips into the passenger seat. Neither one of us comments on her uncharacteristic submission; because Lisbon's eyes are glued on the child in the back seat the entire way to her apartment. Something about the way she watches Crystal is defensive and I can't help but wonder if maybe Lisbon is afraid of the little one in the backseat of her car still curled up in her coat.


	9. Strawberry wine

Chapter six: Strawberry Wine (Lisbon's pov)

* * *

A/N: I am so very sorry about the hiatus, this story is turning out to be harder than I expected, mostly because it is becoming much darker than I originally planned. I will be bumping up the rating in a few chapters so everyone who is underage I'm sorry, but it seems my fluffy muse has run out on me, and left me with her evil twin.

* * *

The dim light of the morning danced across the walls of my bedroom through the cracks in the shutters. It took a few moments for my mind to comprehend what it was seeing as it slowly with drew from its sleep induced daze.

I was laying curled up warm and safe in my own bed. Snuggled into my side was a beautiful little girl with tangled blond locks covering her shoulders and most of her face; she had obviously attached herself to me sometime during the night.

The rise and fall of her soft steady breathing captivated me and I found myself watching the child sleep peacefully.

I'm not sure how long I lay there before the weight of his eyes on me drew my gaze from the angel at my side to the man sleeping in my bed with us.

Jane's eyes were trained on my face, with the strangest expression I had ever seen.

The tight rope we had been walking for the last three months seemed to give way below me sending me crashing into his eyes.

Three months of trying to make up for falling into his arms. Three months of trying to keep myself from going to him again. Three months of trying to make myself not care. Three months wasted as the lump in my throat fell to my chest painfully, and Jane reached up to brush a stray bang from my face, tucking it behind my ear.

I tried to ignore the intensity of his gaze as we lay in silence staring at one another. I had seen that look far too many times from him in the last few months, yet until now I had been able to quickly dodge or deflect it. I can't now. There is no way for me to avoid his heavy gaze as it tries to memorize every inch of me all the while sending uncontrollable chills rushing through me.

"Jane," I warn him quietly.

My words break the spell and he drops his gaze from mine. I release a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding and look back down on the sleeping child between us.

Slowly, my sleep muddled mind puts all the pieces together and I remember the events of the day before.

_ It had taken hours to get Crystal to relax enough to sleep, and even once she dosed off a sudden sound however slight would jerk her back awake. _

_ We had remained at CBI half the night, at some point I too had dosed off awakening only to the heavy weight that comes from being watched carefully. Jane had smiled at me and come to my side when he realized I was awake. _

_ I had asked about cps but he had responded that they wouldn't come for Crystal until tomorrow._

_ My mind was already hazy when he asked me to let him take us home, and although I agreed, I didn't really think about it. _

_ It wasn't until we were inside my dark apartment that I realized that perhaps this wasn't a wise idea after all. _

_ Three months of being careful. Three months of avoiding the careful tenderness in his eyes, voice, and smile each time we were together. Three months of refusing to allow myself to cry, and to go to him seeking the comfort I knew he would give. Three months wasted in one night without so much as a thought. _

_ Jane carried Crystal upstairs to my bedroom and I followed silently. _

_ "You both should get some sleep," he told me gently. _

_ "Stay with her." I say softly, it wasn't meant to be a question but it sounds like one even to me._

_ Jane smiles his tenderly guarded smile and nods. After a few seconds I force myself into the bathroom and quickly dress for bed. _

_ Slipping back into my bedroom I half expect to find him gone. Instead he is sitting on the bed Crystals head in his lap. He is watching her, that same protective and tender smile that I had been avoiding for over three months, playing on his lips. _

_ He doesn't look up at me until I slide into the bed beside Crystal. _

_ There is some foreign emotion dancing in his eyes that makes my heart contract, as he stands and turns to leave._

_ "Stay." An almost silent voice pleads. _

_ I'm startled when the word escapes my lips before I can stop it. _

_ Jane freezes in the doorway of my bed room and looks back at me with guarded eyes. _

_ My grip on the blanket tucked tightly to my chest tightens as his eyes glide over me. _

_ After several seconds that feel like an eternity he returns to his place on my bed. _

_ Three months of trying to hide. Three months of praying I could stop myself. Three months of trying to convince myself, all washed away with one word. _

_ "Stay."_

His eyes are still watching me as I forcefully pull myself from my dreamy memories.

I slide out of the bed silently, grabbing my gun and phone, and after a moment I hear him follow me.

I don't wait though, part of me is afraid of the conversation that I know we are about to have. It terrifies me that he is here, even though I asked him to stay.

Jane is right behind me as stop at the bottom of the stairs, all thoughts of our conversation banished from my mind by a sinking cold sickness.

There was a something sitting on my coffee table that had most definitely not been there last night. The bottle of red wine in its dark bottle sparkled in the dim lights, but it was the red smiling face drawn on the glass table, in what I could only guess was red lipstick, that had stopped my heart.

Neither Jane nor I moved for what felt like hours, both of us trying to process the scene before us.

Somehow I was the first to regain my composure and I took a tentative step towards the table. I felt Jane move behind me, closing the already small distance between us.

We are still standing over the table almost half an hour later when the rest of the team shows up each of them looking pale.

I move my team to the kitchen, as the forensic team sweeps through my living room. I coldly insist that they keep their voices down because I'm afraid they will wake Crystal.

It isn't until I am sitting at my kitchen table and Grace hands me a cup of coffee that I realize my hands are shaking, and the truth of what has happened sinks in.

Red John was in my house last night, and neither Jane nor I ever noticed.

The sound of soft footsteps above our heads sends both Jane and I rushing to the stairs.

I ignore the surprised smiles of my team and the strange looks from the forensics team as I hurry up the stairs, Jane right behind me.

We reach Crystal before she comes to the stairs and see's the mess below us, and despite being startled by our sudden appearance she seems almost relaxed.

It's not hard to convince her to climb back into bed, although she insists that not only I join her but Jane as well.

The three of us stay curled up in my bed until the sun is high in the sky. Cho had called me almost an hour earlier to say that they were done down stairs.

Still it was almost twelve before we all climbed out of bed and headed out for lunch. I knew we had to take Crystal back to CBI where someone from children's services would be waiting, but when she asked if we could stop for lunch I didn't even hesitate.

The tension in the bullpen was thick enough to cut with a knife as we slowly entered.

Cho immediately caught my eye, silently asking me to join him.

It takes a little convincing but Crystal agrees tentatively to go with Grace to get something to drink.

The moment they are out of ear shot I turn to Cho waiting for the explanation that all three of my agents seem reluctant to give.

"There was a note with the wine," Cho begins slowly. It was addressed to the two of you."

He held out a white piece of paper safely sealed in a plastic evidence bag. The simple back print was exactly the same as all the other letters that had been left to them. However unlike the last four this one was addressed to _Mr. Patrick Jane _and _Ms. Teresa Lisbon._

Trying to keep my shaking hands from giving away the edging fear gnawing at me I reach out and take the paper from him.

_Dear Mr. Patrick Jane and Ms. Teresa Lisbon. _

_ This delicious bottle of wine is a small gift to congratulate you on your little family. Such a sweet sight it was to see the three of you together. Even without the child the two of you make such a charming couple, and your love for each other perfectly glows. _

Jane tensed beside me and I desperately tried to avoid looking at anyone, while ignoring the heat of his body beside me as we read the paper in silence.

_Teresa, I must say that nothing is so irresistible as a woman in love, and you my dear will truly be a delicacy. _

_ Mr. Jane, I confess I am impressed by your display. It seems there is some part of you that wants to move past what I did to your beautiful family. Not to worry though, Patrick, when I kill her and the child we will be able to truly play our game again. _

_ Until then, sweet dreams to all three of you. _

I couldn't have stopped the cold chill, even if I had considered trying. I honestly couldn't decide what was worse, Red John saying he is going to kill me or the fact that he believes Jane loves me.

I should be more terrified of his threat than of the tightness in my chest, when he called us a family. Later I'm sure the threat will win out, but at the moment it loses to an old fear and embarrassment.

My face felt like it was on fire, and I refused to look at anyone. Fate has a really sick sense of humor.


	10. Emeralds glitter as diamonds shine

Chapter nine: Emeralds glitter diamonds shine (Jane's pov)

* * *

He saved her for last. _When I kill her and the child…_ He planned to do everything in his power to kill them. It shouldn't have been a surprise. Not really. I knew something like this would happen the moment Crystal emerged from beneath the blood soaked bed. Red John never did anything for no reason.

There was a faint blush creeping across Lisbon's cheeks as she tried to avoid my eyes.

Her voice was steady and strong when she demanded answers that we both already knew.

Prior to this nightmare, I would have probably teased her about the flush on her face, that slowly glided across her neck, but that was a life time ago, before Lisbon's world came down on her again for who knows what time, before I realized I could never be the one to help her pick up the pieces.

She continued on with her questioning, pointedly ignoring the suggested intimacy, and our team knew her well enough to stay quite. No one mentioned it, not her, not me, and not them, but the almost sad smiles on their faces told me more than their silence. Everyone could see it, what ever it was that had come between us. Even Red John could see what neither of us would admit even existed.

She ignored it out of fear, and because her precious protocol told her she had to. I ignored it because she was better off without me.

I felt her eyes as they fell on me and followed me carefully as I turned and left her side.

Teresa is better off without me. She was right; all I will do is hurt her. Or get her hurt. Red John is coming after them, because of me. He wants her, because of me.

"Jane?" Lisbon's voice was quiet as she rested a hand lightly on my arm.

Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Cho and Rigsby scatter. They didn't want to pry. Perhaps if they had Lisbon and I wouldn't have been in the mess we were. Perhaps she would have sent me away long ago.

"This isn't your fault," she growled softly.

It was always unnerving how easily she could read me. I would never admit it to her, but she knew me better than I knew myself sometimes.

"Yes it is," I told her bitterly.

"Red John is a psycho. You aren't responsible for what he is doing."

Turning, I met her soft stare, my eyes shielded behind the coldest mask I was able to produce.

"He's using you to get to me," I growled.

The softness in her eyes disappeared behind a mask of her own, and I almost grieved its loss, but she didn't give me more than a moment to miss her soft eyes.

"You egotistical bastard! Do you really think that this is just about you? This is about all of us, about us getting too close and you just happen to be along for the ride. Red John is a psychopath who is screwing with us, and you're letting him get to you."

She was angry, and in a way I was glad. It meant she hadn't given up. There was a dancing fire in her eyes when she was angry that I loved, it always made me smile and aggravated her even more, but this wasn't the time. There was no room to tease now. Our normal banter disappeared in a grave yard months ago.

The room had gone deathly quite while our voices had gotten louder, and suddenly you could hear a pin drop in the bullpen.

It was only then that we noticed Crystal watching us with wide eyes. She stood frozen beside my hardly used desk.

I tried to smile at her, but Crystal didn't return it. Her eyes were dancing not with fear but something remarkably close to amusement.

I didn't have time to wonder about it though, because Lisbon turned to leave.

Without warning I grabbed her wrist tightly. Her eyes widened slightly but she didn't pull away. There was an old fear dancing in her eyes, and I wondered how much of it is really me, and how much was demons of her own.

"Don't fool yourself, Teresa." I whispered leaning into her, "he wants you dead, but he wants me to suffer. You are nothing more than a means to an end."

Whatever angry retort she was going to bite back was cut off when a disagreeable looking man marched into the bullpen demanding to know where Crystal was.

Lisbon pulled away from me looking guilty, as if we were teenagers caught kissing instead of adults arguing.

Justin Mikes from CPS wanted to take Crystal immediately. He had a place in a group home for her.

I could see our team tense at the thought of Crystal being in a group home.

I wasn't sure if was as simple as just wanting to keep her safe. None of us were foolish enough to think that she would survive the night. Red John would kill her before anyone with children services knew she was missing.

Her safety should have been the only reason none of us want her to go. It should have been, but it wasn't. There was nothing simple about this case anymore, if there ever was.

I knew I couldn't think about that now. I couldn't let myself dwell on Red John's words about family or their implications, because Mikes was irritated and citing protocol, and I was out of time.

I whispered into Lisbon's ear that she needed to stall, and I felt more than saw her nod.

Without further explanation, I took off. I could feel two pairs of eyes watching me carefully as I disappeared down the hall. One was a pair of emerald green glittering with a haze of emotions she kept well hidden, and the second were dancing blue with secrets of her own.


	11. Purple hearts and orange tears

Chapter ten: Purple hearts and orange tears (Lisbon's pov)

* * *

A/N: Thank you all for your wonderful reviews. A special thank you to my amazing beta Yanna…Thank you for putting up with me, and for all your help.

Disclaimer: I realize it may come as a surprise to you but I do not own the Mentalist or any of its characters. I know shocking right…LOL…but seriously I own nothing but this story line. I'm borrowing the characters and will return them when I'm done playing with them.

* * *

CPS is required to do what is in the best interest of the child; the cop in me knew it was true. I knew she couldn't stay here with us, but at the same time an old familiar tug at my heart kept me from letting him take her.

I was distantly reminded of a time long ago where I had protected my young brothers. Why did this little girl have to bring back memories that I had kept so well until now?

"Please don't make me go Tessa, please, please." Crystal begged from her place at my side.

The painful tug at my heart intensified until I could hardly breathe, so I laid a hand lightly on Crystal's head and returned my focus to Mikes.

The Special Agent in me knew she had to go, but I had no idea where that side of me went. With Crystal sobbing at my side the cop was no where to be found, so I did the only thing I could, I stalled just like Jane had told me to do.

"I'm sorry Mr. Mikes but I can't just let you take her. This is the middle of a murder investigation we…"

"She is a minor Miss Lisbon, and CPS is responsible for her."

"That's Agent Lisbon," I growled softly.

Crystal had finally fallen silent but she still clung desperately to me.

The little girl's eyes flashed dangerously and for a moment I was reminded of Jane, before she buried her face into my stomach once more.

"Try and understand my position Mr. Mikes. Crystal is a material witness in a high profile case. There is no way I can let you to take her."

The man in front of me grimaced. It wasn't hard to figure out that he was starting to lose his patience. Where the hell was Jane?

As if on cue, Jane appeared in the hall with Carlson at his side.

"I apologize Mr. Mikes," Carlson said almost instantly. "There seems to have been some miscommunication. This child is under our protection, she will not be accompanying you."

"This child needs to be placed in a home until we can find her family."

"Her family is deceased." Carlson's voice sounded suddenly colder.

"Then she needs to be placed somewhere safe. She needs…"

"She will be safe under Agent Lisbon's protection." Carlson snapped. "She will be constantly accompanied by a member of my team, and your boss has already signed off on it."

Mikes opened and closed his mouth several times, but I felt myself relax. At my side, Crystal seemed to understand that she was going to stay, because she raised her head slightly.

Finally after several moments passed, Mikes finally nodded and turned to leave.

The tension that had been almost palable a moment before was gone.

Carlson didn't move until Mikes had disappeared down the hall. Turning to Jane, she smiled sweetly and I felt myself tense up again. There was something about this woman that was unsettling. Perhaps it was because she seemed immune to Jane's charms.

"You have a few days. CPS has enough work they aren't going to miss her, but at some point someone will."

Carlson's eyes fell on me and my team for a moment before she looked back at Jane.

"I fully expect you to help Agent Lisbon. I meant what I said Patrick, remember that."

Without looking back, she turned on her heels and left us to stare after her.

What the hell had she meant?

Jane avoided my eyes as he moved back into the bullpen to reclaim his place on the couch.

Now certain that Mikes wouldn't be taking her, Crystal relaxed her grip on my leg, and after a moment she moved to join Jane on the couch.

My team remained silent, none of them meeting each other's eyes or mine. I tried to ignore the small smiles they were trying to hide. I watched as Crystal climbed into Jane's lap, to join him in staring up at the ceiling.

I felt his eyes follow me as I turned on my heel and headed to my office. The door snapped shut, the sound echoing louder than I really wanted.

I couldn't get the image of the two of them curled up on the couch or the sudden wave of emotion that had come from seeing them there out of my head.

In an attempt to escape my own imagination, I buried myself in the mounds of paper work that never really seemed to get any smaller.

Several hours later, Jane appeared in my door way with a careful smile.

"Crystal asked me to take her to get something to eat." He said, watching me with flashing blue eyes.

I'm surprised that he bothered to tell me, but I'm thankful that he is at least smart enough to not just leave with her.

"Alright, try to stay out of trouble." I warned with a somewhat forced a smile.

His careful grin faltered a little. "The team is coming."

"Okay…"

"Teresa," he said, sounding amused.

It took me a moment longer than it should have but I finally realized what he meant. "Oh, give me just a second alright?"

He nodded and just for a moment I saw the old Jane; the annoying, teasing, prankster that died with Bosco's team. In the time it takes a heart to beat, the teasing smile disappeared and was replaced with the careful one that had been haunting me for months.

I tried not to show the grief of seeing it disappear once again, but judging by the strange look Jane gave me, I don't think I succeeded. Thankfully he didn't say anything simply turned and left my office without another word.

If I was being honest, I knew how we got to where we were, but that was a problem in itself that I didn't want to deal with.

Dinner passed quickly. With Crystal's careful acceptance of the rest of the team both Jane and I were allowed to fall back into our well practiced silence.

It wasn't until we were leaving the restaurant that Crystal broke our self imposed silence.

"Can we go home?" She asked softly.

I wasn't the only one who froze at Crystal's soft question. Jane and I shared a momentarily surprised glance before we looked away from eachother. The rest of the team stared down at the pavement trying furiously to keep from smiling.

"Mrs. Carlson said I was going to stay with you," Crystal pressed.

"You are sweet heart," I said softly. "We can go now if you want."

Her small hand slid into mine and into Jane's.

"Goodnight," she said smiling at Cho, Rigsby, and Grace before beginning to lead Jane and me towards my car.

"Goodnight," three amused voices echoed back.

With a hopeless sigh, I climbed into the driver's seat and started the car.

Crystal was already asleep when we reached my apartment twenty minuets later. Wordlessly Jane picked her up and followed me inside.

Neither of us wasted our breaths trying to cover the awkward silence that was quickly settling between us.

Jane tucked her into my bed as I watched on silently.

"Night Patrick, night Tessa," said a tiny sleepy voice.

"When did she start calling you Tessa?" Jane asked in a whisper coming to my side all the while trying not to smile

"I don't know," I admitted avoiding looking at him.

I was torn. I hated that she was getting attached to me, but at the same time there was an undeniable pleasure knowing that she felt safe with me.

We both fell silent as we watched the sleeping child curled up in my bed. How had this happened? Of all the situations to end up in, how did I end up playing mother to Crystal while Jane was forced to play dad?

Red John's words echoed in my head as I slowly turned away and left the room. Maybe there was some truth in what he said after all. I hesitated at the stairs part of me hoping Jane wouldn't follow, but when he appeared at the top I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. There was no way around it, I was screwed.


	12. Its not easy being green

Chapter eleven: It's not easy being green (Jane's pov)

* * *

A/N: So we are just over half way through. There will ultimately be twenty chapters. Just a reminder that next chapter I am raising the rating. T is probably as high as it will get, but I might have to raise it again later, For now enjoy and let me know what you think.

Disclaimer: No they are still not mine, I just wish they were.

* * *

Carlson didn't seem surprised to see me barging into her office.

The woman unnerved me almost as much as Teresa but for a very different reason. Where Lisbon's eyes were soft even behind her shield, Carlson's were a constant shimmer of emptiness. I've wondered if perhaps that is what people saw when they stared back at me.

Without so much as a shift in her position, Carlson smiled up at me. It was the smile of a professional show-woman and we both knew it.

"Can I help you Mr. Jane?" She asked quietly.

"Crystal won't survive the night with CPS. Red John will not let her live if she has outlived her usefulness to him."

"I agree," Was all she responded with.

Trying to keep my face as calm as my normal façade, I continued, "There is a very disagreeable man that is trying to take her in the bullpen right now."

"Ah yes Mr. Mikes. He is from CPS and has a group home ready for her."

I waited silently for her to continue. Instead her eyes pierced at me, as if she was searching for something in my face.

"Red John is a danger not only to the public but also to Agent Lisbon and her team in particular." Carlson began slowly.

Every word was weighted and neither of us wasted a thought on the chill in her tone.

"Minnelli warned me that you and this team were to close to the Red John case Mr. Jane, and I happen to agree. All of you are not only to close to this, but also it seems that Red John is to close to you. This isn't about keeping the public and my agents safe anymore, it somehow has become about just ending it, and I don't like that Mr. Jane. I don't like it at all."

I stayed quiet during her short mantra. I had known Minnelli would never leave that out of his warning to his successor. He was right, in more ways than one, but it didn't matter anymore. It was about ending it now for them, just as it had always been for me.

"Minnelli also told me that even though you all should be removed, it's not possible. At first I didn't agree, but now I realize he is right. It has gone too far Mr. Jane."

I nodded slowly but she continued on ignoring me.

"However what bothers me the most is the tension between everyone on the team. Tension can get people killed Mr. Jane, do you understand?"

For several seconds, I simply stared back at her. It was rare for me to be unsure of what I heard but this was definitely one of those occasions.

"What are you saying, Carlson?" I asked, shooing her one of my most charming smiles.

The woman didn't even bat an eyelash.

"I am here temporarily to fix the mess that this agency has been left in, starting with Lisbon and her team. I will do what ever I have to, to protect this agency Mr. Jane; I hope you can say the same."

I gave her a single sharp nod. I would have to deal with the repercussions of what she meant later, but for now my mind was back on Crystal and Lisbon.

"Good," Carlson said simply as she stood and headed out of her office toward the bullpen.

I follow closely at her heel's, trying to stave off the surprised look from my face.

"I apologize, Mr. Mikes," Carlson said the moment we were in the bullpen. "There seems to have been some miscommunication. This child is under our protection, she will not be accompanying you."

"This child needs to be placed in a home until we can find her family."

"Her family is deceased." Carlson's voice sounded suddenly colder, but I saw through the cloud of pretentious anger, that it was a show and nothing more.

"Then she needs to be placed somewhere safe. She needs…"

"She will be safe under Agent Lisbon's protection…"

Mikes opened and closed his mouth several times, like a fish gaping to breathe when it's lifted from the water. After several seconds, he finally surrendered and nodded begrudgingly.

No one spoke as Mikes disappeared off toward the elevators.

"You have a few days. CPS has enough work they aren't going to miss her, but at some point someone will." Carlson warned steadily, interrupting my musings.

Her eyes fell first on Teresa and the team before finally resting on me.

"I fully expect you to help Agent Lisbon. I meant what I said Patrick, remember that."

I kept my surprise and flash of fear well hidden even as Lisbon watched me suspiciously. I knew what Carlson meant, and I would remember, but Lisbon was better off not knowing.

Shrugging it off as nothing, I moved to my couch, I forced my breathing to remain steady and willed my heart to slow down.

Crystal climbed into my lap a few moments later, and I could feel Teresa's eyes on us. Once settled in my lap Crystal snuggled up to stare at the ceiling with me.

I watched as the shields came crashing down over Lisbon's eyes before she took off to her office. I knew she was hiding, and if she were being honest she knew it too.

Even as she snapped the door closed we both knew that once I would have called her out, once I would have appeared in the door way seconds after the snap just to taunt her, but that was too long ago. So I forced my attention to the child in my arms and in that moment I pretended it was a dream and not a nightmare that I'd found myself in.

All kids have endless lists of questions, but for Crystal they were more than shallow curiosity.

"He is going kill me, isn't he?" she whispered softly.

I froze beside her not knowing what to say, I opened my mouth to tell her one of my charming stories but her flashing eyes stop me.

Instead I told her just as softly, "we will protect you."

Her glittering eyes watched me silently for several seconds. Despite her eyes being blue they reminded me distinctly of Teresa's.

"Why does he hurt people? Why won't he leave us alone?"

The tears that had started to slip down her cheeks ripped at my heart.

"I don't know." I admitted sadly.

Crystal brushed her tears away with a small grimace. I tried not to smile as I wondered if she had stolen the look on her face from Lisbon, but her next question chased away all thoughts but the girl before me.

"I'm scared. Mommy is gone and I'm all alone, what am I going to do?"

Crystal let me wrap my arms around her small frame tightly as I told her, "you're going to be strong, and we are going to look after you."

"Promise?"

"I promise," and I meant it. I would do everything in my power to protect all of them.

Several hours later, I found myself talked into taking the team out to dinner, by a sweet blond hair blue eyed angel.

I didn't bother knocking as I slipped in the door to Teresa's office.

When she glanced up at me, she didn't seem surprised.

After several seconds of silence I finally spoke, "Crystal asked me to take her to get something to eat."

The surprise appeared and disappeared in a matter of seconds before she replied simply with, "Alright, try to stay out of trouble."

I grinned down at her and added, "The team is coming."

"Okay…"

I bit off the laugh and settled for an amused tone, "Teresa."

It took her several seconds to realize what she was hearing, and I saw the moment she realized what I meant.

"Oh, give me just a second, alright?" Teresa said in a rush starting to stack the countless files on her desk together.

I nod at her, wanting to keep the mask of playful teasing painted on her face.

It's only a moment that my smile returned but it was enough to make it worth it, at least until her soft smile was replaced with grieving eyes. I had no idea what was wrong, but I let her keep her secrets, so without another word I turned around and walked back to the bullpen, the feel of her eyes on me all the way.

The silence that fell between Lisbon and me through dinner was deafening. The team ignored it as they always had, and Crystal seemed un aware of it.

It wasn't until we were leaving the restaurant that Crystal spoke out.

"Can we go home?" Crystal's soft voice asked.

Lisbon suddenly had a frozen mask of shock and fear flashing across her face. She glanced up at me, and a light flush painted her cheeks. I had to fight not to smile as I watched her drop her eyes quickly to the child between us.

There was never really any question, even as Teresa looked up at me with careful eyes. When Crystal's small hand slid into Teresa's and her other slipped into mine, it was already decided.

"Night Patrick, night Tessa," Crystal whispered as she curled up into the blankets on Teresa's bed.

"When did she start calling you Tessa?"

"I don't know," Teresa admitted as she looked up at me. There was a faint pink blush on her face.

When she turned and hurried back down stairs I almost considered not following, but I knew I would, and so did she.

She moved to sit on her couch and I followed her.

For several seconds we sat in awkward silence before Teresa broke it in a soft voice.

"I guess we should talk about all of this."

I met her eyes and for just a second I thought I saw the shields slip away, but then Teresa never lets her shields down, at least not anymore.


	13. As white as snow

A/N: I want to apologize for how long this has been waiting, but I haven't really been able to write. A lot of personal stuff going on that trumps all of my writing, I'm hoping that I will get back into the rhythm of writing regularly but I'm can't make any promises. This chapter is short but there will be another one up tonight. I hope you all enjoy it.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Mentalist or any of its characters, because if I did I would be on a plane to a nice secluded beach right now.

"Night Patrick, night Tessa," Crystal whispered as she disappeared into the covers on my bed.

"When did she start calling you Tessa?" Jane asked his voice holding just a hint of teasing.

"I don't know," I admitted.

Jane's eyes trace my face slowly searching for something, and I feel the slight burn as it touched my cheeks. I turned away from his intense eyes and hurried down stairs. I felt him hesitate before following me, but after a moment he did just that.

"I guess we should talk about all of this." I said breaking the awkward silence that had settled between us.

"What are we talking about Teresa?" Jane asked relaxing into my couch.

For just a moment I let myself look at him, and really look at him for the first time in months. So much had happened and we had been avoiding each other since the funeral. It was my fault and I know it, but now here we are out of time, and chances.

"You know …" I started softly, but I lose the rest of my sentence in my throat when his eyes caught mine.

For a moment I am genuinely surprised by the fierceness burning behind his ocean blue eyes, but his shields slam down almost painfully, and the truth in his eyes is suddenly hidden behind a wall I recognized far to well.

It takes less than a single breath and we were back to where we started. We were both completely shielded, trying to convince the other of what they saw, and both knowing we were failing miserably.

"What are we doing?" I asked him letting my eyes rest on the table in front of us.

I was so tiered of all of this. I know we both were.

Jane sighed beside me, and I knew that we had finally agreed on something.

"I don't know," he confessed.

"I'm too tiered to do this anymore Patrick." I used his first name without thinking, but hurried on hoping he wouldn't notice. "I am sick of fighting every day."

He sat completely still beside me, but I didn't dare look up, afraid of what I would see.

"I thought this is what you wanted."

"I thought it was best."

"That's not what I asked."

"What are you asking Patrick?" I asked intentionally using his first name this time.

His hand on mine startled me, and I looked up before I could think better of it.

He was closer than I thought, and was watching me the way he watched someone he was trying to analyze.

"What do you want Teresa?"

It was a rhetorical question, he didn't really need the answer, and I didn't really want to give it, but I would have. I would have told him the truth for the first time since meeting him.

Breaking glass shattered above us stealing our moment of truth. Jane and I sprung apart, just as Crystal screamed.

We were both at the bottom of the stairs when the sound of someone outside stopped me.

Jane and I froze at the bottom of the stairs, two choices, and one of us was going to lose. Typical Red John.

"Get Crystal," I told him.

For a moment Jane hesitated. It was a trick, another one of Red Johns games, but it didn't matter. Two choices, two losers, but we had to play. I knew the moment he decided, and part of me was glad.

It was a game, and we were going to lose, but maybe Jane and Crystal would survive to play another round.

"Call for back up first," he told me pressing his phone into my arms. "Please Teresa be careful."

I nodded and smiled, and part of me hoped I was telling him the truth, the other half was already calling me a liar.

I knew that it was coming, I was expecting it. Yet the moment that I stepped outside, and the cloth came over my mouth, already knowing didn't help, I still screamed.

I opened my eyes to darkness, and for several long moments I didn't understand. Was I dead? No, if I was I wouldn't be in so much pain. Would I? No, and I wouldn't be so cold.

A chill rushed through me, but my hazy mind realized why slowly.

I wished like hell I was dead as the reality of my situation seeped into my mind.

The sudden stream of light was my only warning, that I suddenly had company before his hand slammed hard against my face.

"Good morning Teresa, it's a pleasure to finally meet you face to face."

There was nothing for me to say, even if I could force words out of my mouth. Besides I seriously Red John really wanted a response anyway. He already had what he wanted.


	14. Scarlet secrets

A/N: Here is the second chapter I promised you. Sorry it's another short one, but its an important look at Jane's perspective of the nights events. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Sorry still not mine, I just really, really wish they were.

The sound of shattering glass from the rooms above us startled both of us, like a couple of school kids caught kissing behind the bleachers, but the shock only lasted a few moments, and suddenly we were flying across the room to the stairs.

Teresa froze at the bottom of the stairs, I could tell by the look on her face that she had heard something.

Slowly a look of painful resignation fell upon her features.

"Get Crystal," She told me her voice dangerously still.

I couldn't breathe, couldn't move, but my mind was racing. Teresa was going to check outside for the sound, where Red John probably was waiting, but Crystal was upstairs and he could still be up there with her.

Red Johns perfect game never ended, two choices and either way I was going to loose at least one of them, if not both.

Every beautiful part of Teresa's face shut down piece by piece as she looked up at me

"Call for back up first," I begged her pushing my phone into her hands. "Please Teresa be careful."

She smiled and nodded, but I knew she was doing it for me, not because she believed it.

I forced my self up the stairs as fast as I could, not looking back for fear of changing my mind. I reached Teresa's room in seconds, and was met face to face with a terrified little girl and nothing else.

"Crystal! Sweet heart where is he?"

She was trembling, and her bright eyes were huge. She murmured something inaudible her eyes still starring fearful out the window.

I wrapped my arms around her tightly, "You've been so brave sweet heart, but listen to me, I need you to be strong for just a few more minuets okay. Where is he?"

"I … I don't know. Gone." Crystal said stumbling over her words. "But…but he said to tell you, that you lose Patrick."

Whatever I might have said was choked out when I heard her scream. It was a muffled sound but I heard it just the same and it cut like a knife to my heart.

I moved her to the bed instantly and ordered her to stay, before turning and flying back down the stairs.

I already knew I was too late, even when I reached the foot of the stairs but I didn't stop until I was out in the street. The chill of the night had set in and the only light was coming from street lamps that cast dim glows over the road.

I stood in the silence, my eyes glazed over watching the empty street. At some point sirens echoed in the night as they raced toward us, but they were too late, just as I was. Teresa was already gone, and Red John had her, and just like my wife and daughter, just like Bosco and his team, it was my fault. She was gone and it was my fault, but I would get her back!

The rest of the night is a blur of questions, cops, and faces.

Grace made tea, and I was to far gone to even taste it.

Crystal fell asleep in my lap in the early hours of the morning, she was terrified to leave my side, and I was too useless for it to matter. I could feel the haze of shock covering me, but there was nothing that I could do to lift it.

Cho, Rigsby, and Grace all had turned a ghostly white when they realized what had happened.

Red John was our case, they knew better than anyone what he was capable of, and he had Teresa, and what did we have … nothing. We had nothing, and everyone of those nameless faces in uniforms, and suits knew it, but it was us the four of us, that knew what would happen if we didn't find her and fast.

No one slept that night, especially not me. I watched people rush around. Some were shouting orders while others were hurrying to for fill them.

It was sometime in the early hours of the morning that Carlson finally appeared along with several other suits. Her eyes scanned the room before finally resting on me. She spoke quietly to the men on either side of her before coming to my side.

"Patrick," her voice was softer than I ever remember hearing it.

I slowly brought my eyes up to meet hers through the cloud of grief overwhelming me.

"Patrick you did the right thing, going to Crystal." She told me.

Others had told me the same, but it didn't matter. I saved one and lost the other. Red John had still won. I had still lost her, and myself. I knew that whatever happened to me was irrelevant. If we didn't find Teresa I was going to die with her.

Carlson's small hand on my shoulder brought me out of my thoughts and back to the present.

"Patrick listen to me you did the right thing, but now you need to get up and help us find Lisbon. We need you if we are going to find her in time."

It took several long moments before I understood what she was saying.

"What do you need me to do?" I asked.

She smiled and the stiffness in her shoulders lessened slightly, "come on I'll show you."


	15. Shades of gray

A/N: Enjoy is not the word I would use for this chapter but so I will just say please don't hate me. I really do love both Teresa and Patrick, even if it doesn't seem like it, in these next few chapters, especially this one.

Disclaimer: Still not mine sadly. Maybe one day but I doubt it.

Warning: Profane language and torture.

There is a point somewhere right before you die, that you realize what it cost you to get there. For me it wasn't in the point right before death, it was the moment I realized I was going to die.

I opened my eyes to darkness, and for several long moments I didn't understand. Was I dead? No, if I was I wouldn't be in so much pain. Would I? No, and I wouldn't be so cold.

A chill rushed through me, but my hazy mind realized why slowly.

I wished like hell I was dead as the reality of my situation seeped into my mind. I was stripped down to my underwear and chained against a cold concrete wall. My arms were stretched out and my legs were tied tightly together with rope. My body was just close enough to the ground that my feet touched but not close enough to give any leverage.

The sudden stream of light was my only warning, that I suddenly had company before his hand slammed hard against my face.

"Good morning Teresa, it's a pleasure to finally meet you face to face."

There was nothing for me to say, even if I could force words out of my mouth. Besides, I seriously doubted Red John really wanted a response anyway. He already had what he wanted.

Red John was almost a foot taller than me, even the way I was strung up. I was surprised by the face that stood staring back at me.

Even when you know better, you picture monsters as just that a monster, but the man before me was far from it in appearance. He was an attractive middle aged man, with dark brown hair, and light brown eyes.

"I asked you how you were feeling Teresa; you should be polite and answer."

I kept my mouth shut and instead glared at the man in front of me. However he looked, he was a monster, my personal demon for to long.

The slap to the face was hard and unexpected, and it made my whole body jerk from the impact.

"I asked you a question," he growled.

"I've been better."

He laughed and grabbed my jaw roughly. "See now isn't that much easier. You will be much better off if you do as you're told."

I stayed silent it wasn't a question, and the only response I had would probably get me hit again.

"It will be much easier on you," He continued, "but enough of that. You're a smart girl I'm sure you will pick up on it as we go."

I kept my eyes firmly fixed on the back wall. I wasn't sure how long I'd been here, but my entire body had already begun to ache, from the position it was chained up in.

"Are you listening Teresa?" He snapped suddenly.

My body stiffened waiting for a blow that never came.

"Yes."

"Good. I want you to read this for me Teresa, nice and loud."

A soft click drew my eyes down to the hand held recorder. Slowly I read it silently, but I didn't even make it to the second line before my eyes shot up to meet his. He had to be kidding.

"You should read it Teresa."

There was no mistaking the growling warning in his voice.

"No," I whispered.

There was no way in hell that I was going to give Red John the satisfaction of torturing Jane with my help.

I was expecting another blow to the face, but instead he punched me hard in the stomach. I couldn't keep the yelp or gasp for air hidden, nor the soft whimper that followed.

"You're not being very corporative Teresa."

"Go to hell."

He laughed again and this time moved away from me. "Tell me is it worth it Teresa? All the things you've done for him, and he doesn't even try to protect you, he goes to the brat instead. Doesn't that bother you?"

I held my tongue. He was doing it for a reaction; he wanted to see me get angry or scared. He wanted any response other than the cool and calm that I was fighting to keep in place. I couldn't let him see the creeping fear rising in my chest. I wouldn't give him that.

"Perhaps it will make you feel better knowing that when I'm done with you, I'm going to make sure he see's you. All of you, and I will make sure he knows that it's his fault. Right now that beautiful little girl that looked so much like is haunting him, because Mr. Jane thinks that's what I'm going to do to you."

He wants a reaction, I reminded myself sternly. He needed one.

"But what I'm going to do to you Teresa is so much more than I did to her, and then when I'm done with you, I'll play with Crystal as well."

"Screw you!" I spat before I could stop myself.

Red John chuckled softly. "That is certainly part of my plan."

I stiffened, Red John didn't rape his victims, but the heat in his threat and the fact that he had already almost completely stripped me, made me sure he was very serious. An almost painful sickness swept over me, and I fought not to let him see, but if he started to touch me I wasn't sure I could control myself.

"I know what you're thinking my dear, out of character. But I decided a long time ago Teresa that you, you were far different from all the others. Besides," he said running a hand down my cheek to my neck, "Mr. Jane will never be able to escape knowing I had you, and he never did."

He leant forward and for one horrible second I thought he was going to kiss me, and I felt my heart stop, but instead he nuzzled my hair and raked his hands down my body.

For a split second I felt myself try and pull away, too many memories took over my mind at once, crashing to the surface after years of repression, but I wasn't that girl any more. I stretched my neck and bit down as hard as I could into his throat.

"Fuck!" He screamed as he pulled away.

I tasted blood in my mouth and spat it on the floor. It was a stupid thing to have done, I knew it, but I didn't give a damn.

"You stupid fucking bitch!" His hand came down hard across my face, and the recoil knocked my head against the concrete wall.

The world suddenly seemed a lot darker. My head span the world began to get fuzzy again.

"I'm going to enjoy you Teresa," he said hissing angrily at me, "and when I'm done, I'll make sure Mr. Jane doesn't miss a bit of what I've done to your beautiful body."

Then everything turned dark and I passed out again.


	16. Bleeding black crying red

A/N: Thank you everyone that has reviewed, added me or my story to favorites, or added me or the story to alert. :) I appreciate all of your support.

Disclaimer: Still not mine, I just wish they were.

They tell me it isn't my fault but I don't believe them. It is my fault. All of this is my fault. Red John has her because he knows he can use her to get to me, just like he used my family.

Teresa never understood this wasn't about her, it's about me, and he will hurt her because it will kill me to know it was my fault. I should never have let this happen, not again.

"Jane."

Its Grace's voice that brings me back from the depths of my mind.

They are all watching me carefully. Heavy weighing eyes waiting for a reaction, for an answer to the questions that none of them are willing to ask. Don't they understand that I don't have them? I don't have the answers, and I don't know what to do anymore than they do.

They keep telling me it isn't my fault, but I don't believe them, and I'm not sure they do either.

We had been sitting going over files, over the letters. A dozen new faces sat with us. Faces that didn't understand what was really at stake, but my team, her team, they understood and that was why they couldn't quiet meet my eyes, because this was my fault.

I couldn't take the silence anymore, it was suffocating me. Standing I fled the room and the heavy eyes following my every breath, and retreated instead to the roof top.

Months ago before Bosco and his team were murdered, I had found Teresa here, staring out over the city. It had been a hard case. A dead mother, a drunk father, and kids who had already seen too much. It was to close to home for her, and she had fled here to hide from us, and herself.

Naturally it was something I couldn't let go. I didn't want her to be alone with her demons, even though that's what she thought she needed.

I stood where she had stood then and stiffened when the sound of someone behind me approached, just as she had when I approached her.

"Stop it!" Her voice was angry, but shaking with the pain I recognized to well.

Grace grabbed my arm angrily, and I warily turned to face her. I didn't think she would slap me, not really, but she was hurt and angry, and you never really know.

She didn't hit me, but she did start shouting, surprising us both. "DAMN IT JANEd! THIS ISN'T YOUR FAULT! STANDING UP HERE PITYING YOURSELF IS WASTEING TIME WE DON'T HAVE. SO SUCK IT UP, AND PULL IT TOGETHER BECAUSE THE ONLY WAY WE ARE GOING TO FIND HER IS IF YOU HELP US! AND DAMN IT WE HAVE TO FIND HER… SHE'S LISBON WE HAVE TO!"

When she finished she was shaking and a few strangled tears had escaped, sweeping quickly down her face and onto her shirt.

She was holding onto me to keep her standing and through the tears that had begun streaming down her face I heard her whisper, "We need you, please Jane."

Cho and Rigsby stood behind her watching us in silence, but I could see the same pain in their eyes that I knew was in mine.

I pulled Grace into a hug and met my friend's eyes, they were watching me warily. Too much had happened, to much pain, because we couldn't stop him. To many lives we couldn't save, to many families destroyed. Grace was right, we couldn't lose her.

Everyone's eyes fall on us when we go back down stairs, but none of us speak a word of it. Some things are better left unsaid.

Calrson looks like she is going to ask, but then decides better of it, her eyes leave us and return to the stacks of paper work before her.

A soft din replaces the silence, as papers shuffle, and minds race I wait.

It's almost midnight before I notice, and later I will blame it on the day, how long, how hard, but it didn't matter really then.

Crystal is still sitting on my couch but her eyes are wide open. She is staring across at Lisbon's office. Her eyes are dry, she hasn't cried like I was expecting her to.

Slowly I stand and for a moment my team tenses. I don't blame them, but I'm not running away again. Just looking at it through knew eyes.

Crystal doesn't look up as I approach her, but she speaks softly for the first time in hours.

"He said you wouldn't find her in time." She whispers.

My heart catches in my throat and I sit down beside her.

"What else did he say to you?" I ask her carefully.

I can feel the wait of my team's eyes on us; they know something has shifted even if they don't yet know what. Truthfully neither do I, but I'm going to.

"Crystal darling," I whisper as I wrap my arm around her, "what else did he say."

She shakes her head and I can see the tears forming in her eyes.

"Crystal please it's important."

She is still shaking her head when she speaks, "he said you shouldn't have loved her. You don't deserve a second chance so he is going to kill her like he killed them."

Beside me I can feel her shaking, but I can make my body move to comfort her.

I feel rather than see, Grace, Cho, and Rigsby move to my side.

"What does it mean?" Grace asks softly.

I have to tell them but I can't find the words. My mind has frozen as the images of a different life rip though my mind.

"My house," my own shaking voice surprises me, it's hoarse and like that of a stranger. "He has her at my house."

The house he murdered my family. The ones I loved more than anything else.

I'm moving before my mind catches up with me. The others are behind me and none of us have to speak. They trust me.

Behind us I can hear Carlson shouting orders, but it doesn't matter. Nothing matters except getting to her. I couldn't save them, but we will save her.


	17. Red Rain

A/N: This chapter is kind of disturbing. It's responsible for the Lisbon centered angst fic that I've started working on.

Disclaimer: Playing with them in my sand pit but I'll put them back when I'm done.

_"Tessi, Tessi, please wake up." My little brothers' frightened voice brakes through the black dreamless sleep that has held me. _

_ My entire body explodes with pain, and I can't stop the whimper of agony as my mind catches up with the pain in my chest, arms and back. The tears come unbidden, streaming down my face and pooling along with the blood on my face and in my mouth. _

_ "Tessi?"_

_ "I'm okay Tommy," I lie softly. _

_ "You have to wake up Tessi."Tommy whispers._

_ "I am awake." _

_ "You have to wake up; it's not safe to sleep. You have to wake up."_

_ "Tommy…"I hear my own words slur as the dark starts cover me again. _

_ "Stay awake Tessi, James says you have to stay awake."_

_ "Ima wake …"_

_ Then the darkness swallows me and I'm lost._

Pain explodes through me almost instantly as my eyes blink trying to get past the burning bright lights. My head is pulsing and the pain is going to make me sick.

The chains around my wrists have cut into the skin causing blood to run down my arms, I can feel the warm trails running down my arms across the sensitive skin.

It hurts, God it hurts, the only thing that I'm aware of is the blinding pain, and a strange smell. The smell is choking me, and yet it is pulling me. His hand is on my neck and his face to close to mine. He is the one that's waving that awful smell under my nose.

I grunt in disgust and try to pull away, making him laugh coldly.

"Welcome back Teresa," Red John says with a twisting smile.

He kisses my cheek harshly and I jerk away but the pain from the movement makes me dizzy again.

Red John moves away from me, with his back to him I can't make out the words that he is saying. My mind is a murky haze. Bosco, his team, he killed them. Bodies, bodies that looked like us. He was sending a message. To me. To Jane. Crystal. He left us Crystal, but now he wants her back. It doesn't matter though they have her. She is safe. They are safe, at least for now.

He is speaking again and through the haze I can make out a few words, "answer me!"

I flinch waiting for the strike that doesn't come. Slowly I open my eyes again, and try to see through the foggy light.

He grabs my chin roughly forcing me to meet his stare.

"You will do as your told Teresa, or they will pay for your disobedience, do you understand?" He's angry and his voice is cold and demanding.

He lifts me taking pressure of my arms for just a moment, it sends new waves of pain chasing through me and I have to stifle a whimper. It hurts too much, I can't think straight.

"Do you understand?"

"Yes," it's hardly a sound, and it tears at my dry throat and bloody mouth, but its enough.

He drops me, and my body crashes back against the wall, he ignores my silent scream, and the whimpers that follow.

He's talking again, but I can't hear him. He'll ask me something and I won't be able to answer, but I can't think. My mind is still to hazy. Jane, Crystal, Red John.

The slap is softer than the first and the second, but it's still enough to make my body jerk.

"I told you to listen!" He snaps at me.

But I can't listen. I can't think. It hurts too much to think, it hurts too much to breath.

_ The slap is hard enough to knock me to the floor, and I can't help the yelp as I slam into the table. _

_ "Ssstupid grl. Stuped."His words roll together as he stands wavering over me. _

_ "Daddy I'm sorry," I say over and over, even though I have no idea what I'm apologizing for. "Daddy please!"_

_ He aims a kick and misses, I know better than to try and stand up. He has me on the floor and that's where I better stay. My brothers are long gone, I told them to run, and they did. They always do. _

_ Daddy doesn't remember about the half built tree house that still protects them. It's the one he started to make before mommy died. It's where they go to be safe. Sometimes I get there to but not always. Daddy doesn't remember the tree house when he gets like this, he doesn't remember anything when he's like this. _

_ He aims another kick and this time he catches me in my stomach. _

_ I start to cry even though I know I shouldn't, it will only make him angrier, but it hurts so much. _

_ "Shuts up."_

_ His hand finds my hair and pulls me up to my knees. _

_ "Stupid, stupid."_

_ "I'm sorry, I'm sorry Daddy."_

_ I don't count the blows, there's too many, too many hits too many kicks. I try not to listen to his voice. He blames me. I'm the reason she is dead, he blames me, I know its not but maybe he's right. _

_ "Stupid, stupid."_

_ He shoves me again. I feel my self hit the table; I hear the glass shatter around me, and then nothing. _

"Stupid woman," he growls in my ear. "You're not nearly as strong as you think you are."

I have to remember. I have to remember, Jane, Crystal, Red John. I have to remember where I am. Tommy said I have to stay awake, but I can't. It hurts too much, my head is spinning. Daddy didn't throw me into a table Red John hit me, and Tommy isn't anywhere near here. I have to remember.

"You don't get to die on me yet woman," he growls angrily.

I want to snap something back at him, but I can't make my mouth move, or my voice work. The lights are burning me again, and I can't see. It's too bright.

_ It is too bright; the lights are burning my eyes. _

_ "Turn off the lights," I beg. _

_ I feel him move from my side and turn off the lamp that is right beside me, leaving the two of us in the dim glow of our living room. Blinking in the dim light I take in our demolished living room and the memories slowly start to come back with a biting bitterness and grief. _

_ He came home drunk again from Ron's. The boys got out but I wasn't fast enough. He says it's my fault, but he was drunk. Daddy, the driver, they were drunk it wasn't my fault. Was it?_

_ It hurts too much to think. My head feels like its going to explode. It hurts too much. _

_ James and Michael appear in the door way both of them looking shaken. I give them my best older sister "it will be okay" smile._

_ Michael smiles back and sinks to the floor beside Tommy, but James stands looking down on me. I know what's going to happen even before I speak. _

_ "James I'm…"_

_ "No you're not Tess!" He snaps.. _

_ "James," my voice is low and warning. _

_ He is the only one that ever calls me out on my lies. He is old enough to know the difference. He knows how much it hurts. Daddy had almost killed him once, because I hadn't been there to protect him. I will never forgive myself for that. Never._

_ I'll always protect them. I'll protect them no matter what it costs me. _

It is to dark, and quiet. The lights are gone. I have to remember something. I have to remember but I don't know what it is I have to remember. Names spinning in my head and faces that I'm not sure that I recognize. Jane, Crystal, Red John.

Why does it hurt so much? Did daddy come home drunk again? No he's dead. We buried him, then who? Why does it hurt so much?

_ "Where is he?"I ask softly. _

_ "Gone for now," James tells me quietly. _

_ I let myself relax a little, my head is spinning. It's never hurt this much before. I know something is wrong. I can't move my arm, and my whole body is trembling. _

_ "Your not safe Tess, you're not safe here."_

_ "I know I murmur," I'm not safe, and I have to stay awake. I know but I'm so tiered, and it hurts so much. Little white lights appear in my eyes and I know I'm going to pass out again. _

Loud cracks, like fire works screaming in my ears. CRACK. CRACK. CRACK. People screaming everywhere, it's too loud. Don't they know that they should be quiet, they will make daddy angry again.

"Lisbon! Teresa! Teresa!"

I feel like I know that voice. I want to see his face I'm sure I know him, but I don't know why.

I was supposed to remember, but what?

_ The world is spinning again. Around and around. Am I really moving or is the pain making my head spin. Sirens I can hear sirens and people. _

_ "Look after them, please look after them." I beg as the darkness closes in on me again. _

"Teresa! Come on stay with me."

Jane… Crystal… Red John. Jane.

Patrick Jane.

I open my eyes, but it's bright and I can hardly see through the haze of my own mind. My team, I can hear their voices and I know their names I just can't place them.

Blond hair, blue eyes, and his smile, his voice. It's over now. I'm not sure what, but I know it's over.

"Look after them," I whisper. "Please look after them."

Then the darkness comes again, and I'm not sure who I'm talking to. My brother or the man that stole my heart.


	18. Behind Blue Eyes

Chapter Seventeen: Behind Blue Eyes (Janes's pov)

_I'll never forget. The silence was louder than the dozen gun shots that run out only seconds later. It was the silence, the initial surprise, and everything that came with it. I'll never forget the moment the doors swung open to reveal Red John and Teresa. _

We rode in silence. Even if we could of spoken, there were no words that could explain what was going on. There was nothing for us to say. To explain what we were about to do.

My house, our house, full of memories and nightmares, seemed more ominous than I ever remember. She was inside, with him. My wife, my daughter, my Lisbon. He had them all, but I can't lose her to, not to him. Not ever, to anyone.

There are no questions about me coming with them, no hesitation when Cho hands me a gun, and tells me to stay behind them. I had always wondered what would happen at the end, but this was never part of my fantasies of catching him, only my nightmares. I would have sat happily in the car waiting if it meant that Teresa was safe, I would have given her exactly what I always swore to both of us I never would. She could have Red John on her terms, as long as I could have her on mine.

It should have been loud; the shuffling of feet, the moving from room to room, but it was almost silent. Room after room, all of them empty, I knew she was here. We all did, because Teresa was wrong this was about me.

A moment of painful clarity and I touch Cho's arms softly. I know where they are.

I don't have to explain, and he lets me lead them up the stairs to the room my wife and daughter died, and the same room that he has her now.

I'll never forget. The silence is almost deafening. It's the silence, the initial surprise, and the stabbing pain that came with seeing her.

Lisbon's head is hanging down covering her face, but her body is dirty, bloody, and bruised. She is tied up by her wrists strapped to the walls, and her feet a foot off the floor. The restraints around her wrist have bruised, and cut into her pale skin.

Red John is surprised. He didn't think I would figure it out so fast. He must have thought I would be too lost in myself to help them find her, I know even before the guns ring out, it was Red John's second mistake.

The guns go off in unison, only seconds after we enter the room, although it feels like a lifetime. The sound is painful in contrast to the silence, then the sirens outside join in the chorus and I know it's over.

My team moves before I can. Before I can make my body move forward like it needs to.

Rigsby cuts her down into the safety of my arms, and she whimpers like a child. Her eyes flutter open and closed, and there is no recognition there only fear and pain. Teresa stares up at me confused, before a small smile touches her lips.

"Look after them. Please look after them." She begs, then her body goes limp, and I can't stop the tears.

It's only when we are in the back of the ambulance that I realize I'm shaking, and I can't stop. A strangled cold sickness attacks me again and again, as I watch her. it could have been seconds or hours before we reached the hospital.

The EMTs tell me I have to stay back, the nurses say I need to be checked, the doctors ignore me, but I don't care about any of them. They wheel Lisbon into the emergency room, and they won't let me go with her.

Grace touches my arm, and tells me to stop shouting. I hadn't even realized that I had started.

She leads me to a cold plastic hospital chair, and Cho and Rigsby join us.

To long. To many hours, minuets, seconds, not knowing. Finally the doctors appear, they tell us she's alive.

Then I'm sitting beside her and I can finally breathe. I can think. It's been hours and I hardly remember a thing. Lisbon … No Teresa is heavily sedated, but she's alive. Now so am I. She still looks scared, but not in pain. I don't leave her side, and no one tells me that I should. Maybe they do, but I don't hear them, I don't hear anything other than her slow steady breathing and the beeping of machines.

Its sometime in the early hours of the morning that her hand touches my shoulder, Grace looks dead on her feet but she smiles, and I turn my eyes back to Teresa.

"You should get some sleep." Grace says softly.

"I know."

I hear her sigh beside me, and feel a small smile tug at my lips.

"I can stay with her Jane."

"I need to be here."

"She won't wake up until tomorrow when they lower her medication."

"I need to be here."

Grace's hand touches my shoulder again this time with a small squeeze. "Jane."

It takes several seconds before I can move my eyes from Teresa to Grace, but she waits patiently as if she knows how hard it is for me. Maybe she does.

"This isn't your fault, Jane." She says when I finally look up at her.

"I know."

Another sigh, and another smile, before she concedes, "Alright, but Jane, try to sleep."

I nod my head but look back at the woman sleeping beside me. Teresa would tell me to sleep. She wouldn't want me here with her, but I need to be here. I need her.


End file.
